Renesmee Carlie Cullen: The After Life
by sarcasticchocolate
Summary: Renesmee decided to run away to a boarding school in eastern Canada, because of the sudden feelings of love she felt towards her best friend Jacob. She tries her best, but she can't ignore the pull she has towards her destiny and soulmate; Jacob. Will she stay or leave?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: My life**

I was sitting on the edge of my bed with a piece of paper securely placed inside my clenched fist. It was bent twice on the middle and looked almost ancient from the countless of times I'd opened it. The dust gray carpet blurred out as I was starring at it deep in thought. I was alone - here in this room, and in my new life. It was stupid how I kept calling it my new life. I'd been here for eight weeks, almost two months, and I still saw it as the beginning of a new life that - if everything had worked out like I'd planned- I would be busy living, but it hadn't, and I wasn't.  
My new life - or I guess just my life in general - was terrible. I only had one friend; Ally. Not that I didn't like her, I just wish I had some more people to talk to. It was ironic, how every person I'd met – before I chose to run off - had liked me the instant they saw me. "People love you" my parents always said, "You have something, that many people would dream of; a lovely personality". But apparently no one cared about my lovely character in real life: the boarding school life, the teenage life. I wanted to talk to someone; or rather I _needed_ to talk to someone, someone who would listen, like really genuinely listen and care. I needed to talk to someone who knew me before; someone familiar; someone from my old life.  
There were three options on who I could call. The first and the most obvious was my mom. If I called her, I knew I would break into tears, and so would she. Or not exactly break into tears since she psychically couldn't, but get very emotional. And I couldn't handle that right now. She would beg me to come home, and after a long argument of begging and pleading, I would eventually give in. Because to be honest I wanted to fulfill her wish; to leave boarding school and go home, and just forget about this stupid idea.  
_Shut up!_ I thought to myself and shook my head, trying to stop my train of thought. I was not going to give up like this. I wasn't a quitter, no way. I had a pretty good idea who I had my competitive side from, after countless of races through the forest with him. There was no doubt that he'd made me more competitive than my parents would've liked. Again my train of thought was interrupted when I realized why my mind had used 'he' and not his name. It was Jacob.  
Jacob my best friend, Jacob my soul mate, Jacob who was in constant pain at the moment because of me, Jacob the werewolf, Jacob my werewolf, Jacob who'd imprinted on me, Jacob who loved me, Jacob who I loved almost equally as much, Jacob who was the reason I'd left home, Jacob who was the reason I wanted to go home, Jacob who I only saw as a friend, Jacob who was my soul mate no matter how much I tried to convince myself of the opposite, Jacob my Jacob.  
It reminded me of the first time it felt different between me and Jacob. The day I realized that Jacob and I weren't meant to be friends forever.

~ 5 Months ago in Cordova, Alaska ~

It was late in the evening, and the heavy spring air was blowing my long bronze hair up in the air. There was a sweet scent of the pine threes surrounding me, as I sat there waiting for my best friend to appear from his hiding in the threes.  
"Come on, Jake. It can't possibly take more than 2 minutes to transform and get dressed. Especially when your version of being dressed only consists of a pair of cut off jeans," I joked and shifted my position on the big rock, where Jake and I had spent countless of hours together. I pulled one of my legs up under me, leaving the other dangling dangerously over the vertical edge where Jake soon would climb up and join me.

I could hear his chuckle before I saw him. He ran out of the edge of threes and into the clearing, where the big rock emerged and changed the landscape from the normal forest to a rock climbing paradise. He set off and managed to create enough power to throw his enormous body so far up the vertical wall of the rock, that he caught the top. He hung there a little, before he pulled himself up by his arms, and finally climbed over to sit next to me. He was still laughing, though I wasn't sure if it was my joke or the adrenalin kick that did it.  
"And I'm back" he said and smiled proudly at me like he just finished a history essay.  
"Impressive; you made it back before Christmas" I said, smiled at him approvingly and tussled his jet black hair.  
He grinned at me showing his white teeth that looked even whiter against his dark skin. "I hear that you're thinking about visiting Forks soon, is that correct?" he asked and smiled a beaming smile at me. He was always happy when we visited La Push, and I knew that. That wasn't exactly why I had been considering it though.  
"Yeah, I talked to mom and dad about it, and we were considering going in a couple of weeks. Dad is calling Carlisle today," I said and looked down at my hands that for some reason were sweaty. "Can I count you in?" I asked in a joking voice, trying to lift my own mood that suddenly was hesitant. I knew that if I was going, Jacob was too no matter what.  
"Even more rain than in Alaska _and_ Paul?" He said in an excited voice while gesturing towards the big gray sky approaching us from the North. Sarcasm was almost the only way we communicated. "I wouldn't miss it" he said and caught a loose strand of my hair and tucked it behind my ear, just like he always did, when it was windy. This time it felt wrong… or not exactly wrong, but different. I felt the smile fade away on my lips, and my eyes turning accusing as they stared into his. Because what they found there was strange, and gave me a kind of bubbly feeling in the pit of my stomach.  
"What's wrong?" he asked and wrapped his big hands around both of mine, in an attempt of comfort, but I felt something else entirely. Again I got this strange feeling inside me, and I wasn't if sure I liked it. I pulled my hands away from his and turned around to crawl of the rock the horizontal and easy way. I could feel my nylon leggings tearing apart as my knees scraped over the stone.  
Jake caught my ankle but I shook him off and ran the last few feet towards solid ground. I continued running towards my house while Jacob yelled after me in confusion. I kept running stretching the distance between us; despite of that I could easily hear when he transformed into a wolf. I knew he would catch up with me soon, but I was in the clearing of my house now, and as I had expected, my mom and dad were waiting for me inside.  
As I stood there across from my parents – my dad's arm swung lightly around my mom's waist – I knew exactly what feeling it was. I had a crush on Jacob. The realization hit me hard and I almost tripped. My dad knew what was wrong, and shook his head either in disbelieve or in denial, I couldn't tell.  
"What's wrong, Edward?" my mom's anxious voice asked and I knew, without looking, that a frown had formed itself between her eyebrows.  
Edward sighed. "She stopped growing" he said in tired voice. That explanation made no sense to me, but apparently it made perfect sense to my mom.  
"Oh, sweetie!" she said and hugged me close to her body. I still wasn't sure if she knew why I was acting like this, but I didn't care. I started crying silently into her shoulder. "I can't believe it… my daughter is all grown up now" she said in a voice that didn't hide the emotions she felt. I still didn't know if she knew what my problem was.  
"But he's my best friend!" I said and started sobbing.  
"I know, sweetheart" she said and padded me gently on my back. "I know…"  
"No, you don't know! He's my best friend and now my feelings are going to ruin that!" I was angry now, the second stage of dealing with grief. I pulled away and ran in to my room, where I not too gently closed the door.  
After that I turned on my stereo and listened to a metal band in an attempt to drown the voices coming from outside my room and inside my head, but I could still easily hear my parent's voices in the living room.  
"She just has to get used to the thought. I mean Jake have been waiting for this moment for about a month now," my dad's voice said. I cringed at the thought. Had Jacob felt like this for a month? How could I not have noticed? I could hear a wolf howling in the distance. Jacob knew what was wrong. Now he thought I'd rejected him, but I hadn't. Had I? I felt the tears making their way down my cheeks and I wiped them off quickly, trying to deny everything that had just happened.

Shaking my head wouldn't work this time. I rose from my bed, threw the paper on the floor and went over to the window. It was cold outside, and my warm breath made condensation appear on the glass**. **I opened the window carefully, trying to make as little noise as possible. It was strange how I'd already gotten used to moving around in human speed, just like I'd gotten use to speaking out loud and not using my gift; my strange talent that was part of my strange life. Showing people your thoughts by touching them, was something only I could do, just like my dad could read peoples' minds, my mom could protect her own and the minds around her and my aunt could see the future.  
The icy breeze did exactly what I'd hoped for; my mind went almost blank, and I could once again focus on my phone call to be. Nothing could make me think about Jacob again. _Oh great, _I thought to myself, _I did it again. _Thinking about not thinking about someone was not a good idea. I needed therapy; this wasn't healthy, not at all. Maybe the school nurse was an option, or maybe not. She probably wouldn't understand how my family was a bunch of vampires, and my best friend was a werewolf, who by the way had some strange bond to me that meant I was his soul mate. And then there was me; Renesmee Carlie Cullen, almost a living legend, the human/vampire who almost caused the end of the world. Put all of that together with some more vampires, werewolves and immortality, and then you had a little insight in what my old life was like. Plus the fact that everything was determined before I was even born. Then I'd gotten this crazy idea: I'd had an identity crisis, and thought that the best way to find myself was by leaving everything and everyone behind. And that's what I'd done. And here I was; alone and miserable. I sighed and the condensation made it impossible to see anything outside. My life sounded like some bad horror/drama movie. I went back to the anxious position on my bed, and continued my discussion with myself. That sentence alone made it clear that I was everything but normal, but who cared? I did.  
When my mom wasn't an option, there was always Rose, or Rosalie actually. She was like a second mother to me. Ever since I was a baby she'd nursed me like I was her own child. Her soft blond curls were some of the most beautiful things in the world, and just the thought of how they fell softly around her staggering face, made me smile. Calling her, if she was alone was probably a good idea, but she wouldn't be. The chance of Emmett, her husband, answering the phone was gigantic; he always ran to the phone just to answer it: "Hello, you've reached the Cullens, please leave a message after the bib…" then burst out laughing his boisterous laugh, and say: "got ya'. We're home!" Then he would ask who was calling – which was a quite normal reaction when answering the phone. But then when I would refuse to answer, and he would refuse letting me talk to Rosalie. So Rose wasn't an option either. If I couldn't talk to mom or Rose there was only one option left: Seth.  
Seth wasn't like a normal friend, nor my best friend - that title was all Jacob's- he was like a brother. I even called him my brother. That sounds a little strange, but he was always so happy, and optimistic, just like the brother I always wanted, but never got. He always brightened my day, and that was what I needed today: I needed to smile and laugh. I needed to talk to Seth, but – there's always a 'but' - if I talked to him, I knew Jake would hear his thoughts sooner or later. And then he might jump to the conclusion that I didn't want to talk to him anymore, which was a lie. A big big lie.  
The problem was that I _had_ to talk to Seth, tell him to keep Jacob happy, keep Leah happy, keep me happy, and the real reason I had to call him, and not my mom or Rose, was that he was the only one that understood why I did this. When I'd told him, he had just high-fived me and said "way to go, sis!" He was also the person to hear an update from, knowing that he wouldn't break into tears, when he heard my voice or explained that everyone missed me.  
At that moment Ally came in with a tear in the corner of her eye and a blissful smile on her face. She was hugging something close to her chest like it was the most important thing in her universe.  
"What's going on?" I asked her, faked a smile and rose from my worried position on the bed.  
"I just talked to my parents," she said and I could hear her voice get thick with emotion. "They're having a baby" she croaked between her sudden sobbing of joy. She threw her arms around me and started crying into my shoulder. I lay my arms gently around her tiny fragile body and padded her back soothingly.  
"Congratulations" I said and tried to loosen my grip on her a little; just because she was used to my unnatural hot body temperature, didn't mean she wouldn't get sweaty if I embraced her for too long. She responded to my release of her in an unexpected way; she hugged me tighter.  
"I just… can't… believe… I'm… getting…" she took a deep breath and cried out: "a sister" and then continued her sobbing of joy into my shoulder.  
"At least you're happy" I mumbled to myself so low she couldn't hear even though her ear was only inches away from my mouth.  
We stood there for about ten minutes before she pushed herself away from me and walked over to her bed, where she threw down the thing she'd been holding to her chest. It was a phone.  
That made up my mind; I had to talk to Seth. God, Allah, Buddha or whatever was up there had sent me a sign, and I had to follow it.


	2. Chapter 2  Tied together

**Chapter 2: Tied together**

"Can I borrow the phone?" I asked, with a sudden joy spreading inside me, now that I knew I was only minutes away from hearing a familiar and missed voice.  
"Sure" Ally said in a slightly airy and distant voice, handing me the phone without looking at me; she was busy staring out in the air glowing like an angel. She was going to be the best sister in the world, I thought as I left our room.  
As soon as I was outside; I quickly pressed the number for Seth and Leah's place. I held the phone up to my ear and waited anxiously. It rang four times before a stressed voice answered.  
"Hello?" It was Leah's voice. I felt the corners of my mouth turn down and my hope disappear. There was no way now I was going to get away with this without Jacob jumping to conclusions. Seth could hide his thoughts easily, but with Leah it was a different story.  
"Is Seth home?" I asked when I heard some noise in the background that sounded like another person.  
"Nessie?" She asked with wonder, and I could hear she was happy to hear my voice. I smiled; she was fonder of me than, I'd remembered. Actually she was fonder of me than most of the people she knew. It might have something to do with her sharing thoughts with Jacob, but still.  
"Yes," I said a little unsure. "Please don't tell Jake, I called" I added quickly before reason caught up with her. "Can I please talk to Seth?" Why did I say please? I should demand to talk to Seth. I deserved to talk to him, didn't I? I was almost crying. I hadn't realized just how homesick I'd gotten. I missed Leah too; she was one of my best female friends, not better than Rosalie, but better than Alice. Not that I didn't love Alice, I just hadn't spend that much time with her since we moved from Forks to Alaska. Leah was the person I talked to when I was tired of vampires and werewolves, and needed some normal girl talk. Her harsh exterior didn't seem like an estrogen bomb, but underneath the short hair and aggressive behavior a lovely little girl was hiding. I laughed a little at the thought of her as lovely, but stopped again; this was not a time for laughing.  
"I'm so glad to hear your voice again..." she said as her voice lightened up. "I can't promise you anything about not telling Jacob, we share thoughts, you know." Her voice was brighter than I'd ever heard it, and I was pretty sure it wasn't just my call, that had caused such a reaction. "Seth is right here, I have to go anyway... I hope I'll see you soon, if not then I'll see you later... bye" I was a little annoyed with myself for having asked for Seth so soon; I wanted to hear why she was suddenly so happy.  
"Bye," I whispered a little too late; she'd already handed the phone to Seth.  
"Nessie!" He said in the cheerful voice I'd missed so much. "You won't believe what've happened!" he continued, as if this wasn't a rare event. That was why I loved him so much, that right there; he made me forget all of my problems, in a blink of an eye. I smiled more than I'd done this whole trip.  
"Seth!" I almost yelled. I missed receiving one of the happy hugs; he'd given me so many when I was a kid. "No, what happened? You didn't imprint, did you?" I joked. I had suddenly forgotten everything around me. Now it was just me and Seth, brother and sister; joking like in the old days.  
"Yeah, I imprinted on Leah, hope you don't mind"  
"As long as I'm invited to the wedding, you have my blessing." it was as easy as breathing.  
"Sounds good"  
"No, seriously... what's going on, with Leah being all happy, and you all most bursting out of your human form with excitement?" I'd picked up all Jake's humor, that's why I was so comfortable with the werewolves. They saw me as one of the boys.  
"Leah imprinted!" He shouted and started half laughing half gasping in shock, like he'd seen a polar bear flying around. I was shocked too; the flying polar bear was like seeing a tree next to Leah imprinting. Those words sounded crazy together. Leah wasn't the biggest fan of love, and imprinting wasn't really something I'd considered for her. But who had she imprinted on? A normal human boy? That would be kind of freaky, for him. Not that Leah was freaky; just the thought of imprinting on a random guy, seemed frightening. Maybe she'd been visiting family home in Forks and met one of the new kids down there, and as Jake would have said it: Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, her whole life was about that person.  
"No way! Who's the lucky guy?" It was weird; I'd spent the past month with a bunch of teenage girls surrounding me, and as soon as my 15 year old "brother" calls, I start gossiping like the real teenage girl I am. If Ally saw me now, she would have insisted on hearing what had made her composed, calm roommate, freak out like this.  
"He's really nice, not at all the-I'm-going-to-kill-you-with-my-sarcastic-comments type like Leah. He's made her all happy and nice. It freaks me out sometimes, it freaks Jake out even more." the name interrupted my happiness, it had been a taboo the last month, and the thought of him made a huge amount of guilt wash over me. I'd broken my promise. It made my stomach turn to ice. Seth sensed my sudden change of mood - no idea how he did that through the phone - and realized his mistake. "I'm sorry, I forgot... I promise I won't mention him again" he said and pleaded for my forgiveness.  
"No, I shouldn't react like that." I apologized. "So, what's his name?" I quickly changed the subject so I could forget my problems once again.  
"His name is Joseph, and he's part of the Eyak tribe." The Eyak tribe was a tribe near Cordova where we'd moved to from Forks, "We were down there just like we always are once a month. Then when we were about to leave Joseph comes out of his house to see the visitors, us, and Leah instantly fell for him; just like Sam and Emily, Jared and Kim, Quil and Claire, Paul and Rachel." I could feel the silence as the unspoken words hung in the air: Jacob and me.  
"Has she told him about her being a werewolf and stuff?" I asked, now a little worried about his reaction.  
"She told him that if he ever wanted to ask her anything about anything at anytime, she would answer right away… no matter how stupid the question was," he paused to take a deep breath. "It freaked him out a little bit, but he doesn't have a clue anything magical" he said the word like they did in Disneyland commercials, "is happening around here." It was as if I could hear him shrugging, after he finished.  
"If he had found out, he would have been a pretty messed up kid" I said and laughed a carefree laugh.  
I could hear Seth laughing in the other end, and it made me smile once again. "Yeah…" he said as we both had finished laughing and there had been a short awkward break.  
I went dead silent, because I suddenly heard a lot of noise in the background, and it sounded like someone was demolishing the building with their bare hands. "Jake! What are you doing? Calm down!" Seth's voice was full of shock and confusion, but yet he managed to sound commanding.  
"Back off! I need to talk to her!" Jacob roared and there was lots of scrambling in the speaker of the phone; like when you drove through a tunnel. I hadn't prepared for this. What was he going to say? What was I going to say? Why was he even here? How did he know I was talking to Seth? Leah, was the answer to the last question, of course she couldn't keep my call a secret from Jacob. It was an impossible wish for her to fulfill, I should have known. The other questions remained unanswered.  
"Renesmee" Jacob's voice was the opposite of the roaring from before. It was soft, almost persuasive. And he used my real name, not just Nessie, but Renesmee. That was never a good thing.  
"Jacob, please don't do this" I said, my voice was pleading and I felt my cheeks get wet, as the tears started streaming down my face. He would try to convince me of going back. Promise me that he didn't care if I started dating. But I still didn't know who I was, and I still needed some time on my own. Why didn't he understand?  
"I don't care if you need to figure out who you are, and I don't care if you don't see me as someone you would kiss. I need you to come home, because" he was crying. His voice sounded like he was being tortured, and I was the one doing it. I couldn't stand it. I slowly lowered the phone, as the tears kept running in an even flood from my miserable eyes down my face, passing my sad mouth and dissolving in my black sweater. I pressed the end-button, knowing he wouldn't forgive me for doing this, but also knowing; I had to.  
I walked through the door of our dorm room my shoulders slumped. I found the room empty. Ally was probably out spreading the good news, and since it was Ally that could mean, her standing on the roof of the school with a megaphone screaming her mother was pregnant. I smiled a tired smile and closed the door behind me. I was walking over to my bed - I needed to lie down – when I saw the worn folded piece of paper from before on the floor and froze. Jacob's letter.  
That did it; everything came crushing down under me. All of my vampire strength was useless against the pain crushing my heart. I needed mental strength. Talking to Seth hadn't been the success I thought it would. The memories of Jacobs pained voice made me want to rip my heart out of my chest and tear it to pieces. I'd only heard that voice once before. At the airport when I left for my new life. I knew the whole conversation by heart, every move he'd made, every time his voice had broken, every time his heart had sped up; everything.

~ Four weeks ago at the airport ~

My mom and dad had said goodbye outside the airport, probably to give me and Jake some space.  
We walked all the way down to the gate in silence. I could feel the tension in the way he held my hand and it hurt me physically to leave him like this.  
"Nessie" He said in a tired voice, when we were close to where we had to part. He turned around, blocking my path, to look at me, and he took my other hand in his too. I looked down, not wanting to meet his gaze. "You know I don't understand why you have to go away" the pain in his voice was clear, and broke on the word _away_. I was so close to just give up and stay with him. "I want to know why I can't come with you." he said and tried to meet my eyes.  
I didn't look up. "Jake, you know how much I love you, and I always will. Forever. But I've only lived for 8 years, and I'm already pretending to be 17. I've never been on my own. I still don't know who I am, and I really want to." My voice was strong and clear in the beginning but in the end I was mumbling.  
He sighed "I know that, but you still haven't said why I can't come with you" he was pleading, and it was heartbreaking.  
I looked up in to his mesmerizing deep eyes. "There's no doubt that we have a special bond, but" I said and I felt my eyes tearing up "but I just don't know if I'm in love with you" My voice got thick and begging. I could see how every word I said hurt him, but I couldn't lie to him.  
"But we don't have to be in love. We can just keep on being best friends." He said in a cheerful voice, and it was clear that he really meant it. But he could be lying to himself. He was pretty good at that, when it came to pleasing me.  
"But what if I started dating... would you just accept that?"  
"Maybe... I don't know... if that's what's best for you, then I would accept it with time"  
That was the answer I'd feared, he loved me so much that he would accept sharing me with someone else.  
"I don't deserve you" I said and lay my head on his chest that for once wasn't bare but covered with a black t-shirt. He put his arms around me and lay his cheek against my hair.  
"Of course you do... and if this is what you need, I will survive it one way or another" he whispered and hugged me tighter. He'd given up.  
"I promise to write to you every day, and I'll come home in the holidays" I whispered against his chest. I wasn't sure if that was a lie, but I would do anything in the world to comfort him.  
He pulled away and looked me in the eyes. His eyes were sadder than I'd ever seen them, and it was my fault. I'd caused him so much pain, and I couldn't make it better.  
"I love you, in every way possible... Now go find yourself" He said and smiled a warm smile, probably knowing that was the last time I would see him in a long time, and wanting it to be a good memory. He let go of me, and I walked towards the gate, trying not to look back.

The pain of that memory cut through me like a million vampire teeth ripping through my chest and eating my still pounding heart. I picked up the letter from the floor and threw myself on my bed. It was the 10th letter he'd written. I had never answered him. I unfolded the letter and read it once again.__

Dear Renesmee.

_I don't know why you haven't answered me; it's nerve-racking to not know how you're doing. I know I'm annoying you, and I'm sorry. I really am. I just can't stop thinking about you. It's killing Embry, Seth and Leah to listen to my worried thoughts about you all the time, and Edward too. I know this is a wasted effort, I'm not even sure you're reading these letters anymore, if you've even read any of them, but please, please answer me. It takes all of my willpower to not just go to Saguenay and take you home, or maybe just give you a hug. Every night I run half the way, but at some point I turn around, for your sake only. I miss hugging you, holding your hand; you're the only one I can hug and hold hands with. Everyone else would freak out if I did it. I really need you, to talk to you, to see your face. Imprinting is not a joke. I've talked to Sam, Jared, Quill I even talked to Paul about how they stand being away from Emily, Kim, Claire and Rachel. They all said they haven't tried it, because even hours make them more than anxious. I've tried to come up with a way to explain what it's like, having you 1600 miles away. Try to imagine an elastic string; your heart tied to one end, mine to the other. When we're close it's nice and wonderful, but if we're not together we can feel the elastic expanding, and pulling in our hearts, trying to get us close again. Imagine the physical pain is mental pain. Now when you're so far away it's like I can feel the elastic band slowly breaking on the middle, one tiny string at a time, uselessly trying to tow us together again. There are two options. Either it will break in the middle and knock both of us to the ground so hard we might never stand up straight again, or it will eventually succeed in its dragging and we will be reunited. I hope you understand me, and don't think I've gone completely mad. On that note I will stop writing and let you think about this. Please answer. _

_I love you._

_Jacob Black_

I always ended up crying, and this time wasn't an exception. I tried to wipe the tears away, but they were unstoppable, and continued to appear in my eyes. After a little while I stood up and went out on the almost empty hall looking for the bathroom. I was hoping no one would notice how big a mess I was, and my wish was fulfilled until I reached the bathroom where Ally was washing her hands.  
As soon as she saw me, and took in my mood, she ran over to me and wrapped her weak human arms around me. "What happened?" she asked in a shocked voice. This was the first of my breakdowns she'd seen, and it wasn't a pretty sight.  
"I just miss home" I whispered and easily released her grip around me to go look in the mirror. I was a mess. My hair was a chaos and my face was distorted into a mask of sorrow and torment. A carcass would look exquisite next to me. "Oh, I look horrible," I complained and smiled a little.  
"No, you look as beautiful as ever, and I have good news" she said and padded my back. I could see her smiling in her reflection in the mirror. I looked back at her in surprise, what was the good news? I already heard about her mother being pregnant. "We're going out on Friday!" she said and her smile turned beaming. I'd never been on a date, which was also one of the reasons I didn't know anyone else but Ally.  
"Someone invited _me_ out?" I said and my voice jumped up a few notes of surprise and disbelieve.  
"Don't sound so surprised. Every guy would love to date you, they're just afraid of a rejection. You seem a little bit out of reach," she said with a grin. "Anyway, this guy, Aaron, asked me out, and I said yes." she paused and smiled a satisfying smile before she continued with just as much enthusiasm "And then this other guy, Luke, asked if you were available too and I said yes." She took in the critical expression on my face, and then quickly continued: "I know, I know; I should have asked you, but it's a date!" she ended with a little bounce, but quickly controlled her happiness, when she saw my apparently dumbstruck expression. "A social gathering outside of school," she said in a flat voice, getting slightly annoyed, because I didn't join her joy "You can't say no, it's Aaron's friend" it was turning into begging. "Besides he's kind of hot. He has short golden hair, and tanned skin. His eyes are blue and he has this really cool smile. He is a little arrogant, but I'm sure that'll disappear when he's around you. Just your existence can lower anyone's confidence." she was babbling with such eagerness, I could do nothing but smile. Even if he was a jerk I could just punch him in the face and leave… or maybe just leave. Time would show.  
"So… will you come?" she asked.  
"Sure" I said and smiled willingly. She jumped up in the air and smiled. "Where are we going?" I asked, now interested in my newest event.  
"The museum of Natural History, it's in Ottawa, but not too expensive, and the guys seemed really interested in it" she said with a shrug. We could've gone to the South Pole, she wouldn't mind as long as Aaron was right next to her.  
"The museum of Natural History? Isn't that the place with stuffed animals everywhere?" I asked with caution. I was not a fan of stuffed animals to put it lightly. It was creepy that I couldn't smell their blood or smell their scent either; they all smelled the same bleach-like smell.  
"Yeah, it's so cool, have you never been somewhere like that?" she obviously hadn't heard me hesitating.  
"Yes, I've been there… I just didn't particularly like it, to be honest" I said and smiled a fake smile.  
"Oh" she said and stopped shivering of excitement, "But you'll come anyway, right? If you're very scared Luke can always protect you" she said in a none-joking voice.  
I grimaced. "Yes, I'm coming, but…"  
"Thank you!" She interrupted and stormed out the door, probably to reassure the guy, –Luke, was it? - that I was coming. I groaned; I was not sure I was ready to date. Today was Tuesday, that meant I had under 3 days to either get killed, catch a flu – which wasn't that likely for a vampire hybrid – or run far away. I wasn't even sure I was allowed to date. My parents were a little overprotective on that point. But it was too late to back out now. I was officially dating.

**Did you like the second chapter? Please review down there: It will make my day every single time you do it… thanks (:**


	3. Chapter 3 The date

**Chapter 3: The Date  
**

I'd been more of ghost the last 3 days than I would ever admit. I'd spent most of my time on my room dialing Jacob's number, deleting it, dialing it, deleting it and so on. Once I accidently pressed the calls-button, and then as panic struck I couldn't find the cancel-button. I heard his voice answer the phone and finally found the right button. That little event had ruined a whole day for me. When the teachers told me to answer a question in class I would break down, because everything reminded me of him. Nobody knew what to say. Some people would come over to our lunch table, and then turn around when they were two feet away, not knowing what to say. I didn't blame them. How could one boy affect me so deeply? I knew the answer: He was the one I confessed all of my problems to, and now he was my problem and I didn't have anywhere to go. My throat got thick with emotion as I thought of it. I was absolutely pathetic.

"Tell me again why I decided to be friends with you." Ally said, interrupting my thoughts. She gestured toward me, obviously referring to the fact that I – according to her- was much prettier than her. I was dressed in a tight plum colored top and a black skirt, that made my peach colored skin look pale. My hair was pinned up with a few loose strands hanging down. My makeup was minimal, because Ally had refused to lend me hers saying that I looked so much better than her already and that with makeup she could just as well go dig a hole to sit in. No one would notice her.

"Because we share the same room, because you know you're my only friend here, and because I would be miserable without you." I said and shot her a loving smile.

"I don't care about those things, when you're so much more beautiful than me!" she said in an irritated voice. I didn't get it. How could she be jealous of my look? She was stunning. She was wearing an ocean blue summer dress that complimented her figure in a way that would make any guy drool. Her long golden hair was curled into long princess-like curls, but in a cool way. I'd done her makeup, and it was pretty cute, if I had to say it myself. Grey eyeliner highlighted her green eyes and made it almost impossible to look away from her. Aaron was a very lucky guy.

"Stop it, you're astonishing, and don't even think about arguing; the guys will be here any second, besides we're both over dressed" I said and smiled at her. I could see a response forming in her head, but she was interrupted by a knock. Ally fluttered to the door, and took a deep breath before she opened.

It was Aaron who'd knocked. He looked very sweet and a little shy. He had short dark hair and pale skin. Not vampire pale, just normal human pale. His smell reminded me of the smell of wet wood, nice and refreshing. He was wearing a black shirt and jeans. His face turned into a smile of aw, when he saw Ally.

"Allison" he said almost breathlessly and smiled hugely. Ally returned his smile, blushing, and nodded once.

"Hi" she said in a tiny voice and stepped aside to let him in.

Aaron looked at me, but not for long, his eyes were quick to find Ally's again.

"Luke will be here soon, I think." he said absentmindedly to me, and then sat down on Ally's bed. Ally sat down next to him and they started talking, while I stood awkwardly in the corner, trying to be invisible.

Another knock interrupted Aaron telling about his dream of becoming a professional guitar player. Everyone held perfectly still, glancing around the room. After an awkward moment I realized, I was the only one glancing around the room; Aaron and Ally were looking at me. I was supposed to open, I realized, and hurried to the door.

Luke had a cocky smile on his face, when I opened. He was wearing a white shirt he'd unbuttoned at the top where a leather necklace with a cross was visible. His hair stood straight up in the air and looked greasy, because of the tons of gel he'd used. His face wasn't exactly ugly, most girls would probably swoon if they saw him, but to me he looked too arrogant. Even his blood smelled bad, or maybe that was just me, stereotyping. Blood didn't smell bad to me, not even if it was the blood of a jerk.

I faked a smile and decided to wait before I judged him any further. "Hi. I'm Nessie" I said in a polite voice and offered him my hand.

"Nessie? Like the Loch Ness, Nessie?" He snorted and walked inside without shaking my hand. I let my hand fall and took a deep calming breath before I closed the door behind me.

"Yes" I said.

"Wow… I guess your parents hated you from birth" he said and waited for someone to laugh at

his joke. When nobody did, he did himself.

"We should get going, the museum won't be open forever" Aaron said and broke the awkward silence after Luke's joke. Ally rose and grabbed Aaron's hand without hesitating. I saw how Aaron squeezed her hand in response as they walked out. I walked after them with Luke right behind me. He reached out for my hand but I cringed away.

We drove to the museum in Luke's car. Ally and Aaron got the backseats, and I stared at the passenger seat with horror; this meant I had to talk to him. Having an actual conversation with him, seemed like a rare occasion. I got in and put my seatbelt on, wishing I'd said no to Ally in the first place. 

As soon as we were speeding down the streets, Luke turned on the stereo. A rap song burst through the tuned speakers in the trunk, and I covered my ears in reflect. The rapper was singing about the normal rap stuff; sex, money, girls with no other use than being sexy and of course how cool he was. Luke started singing along out of tune, while rocking his head backwards and forwards trying to do it to the beat, but failing completely.

"You don't like rap?" he yelled over the noise that he called music, when he saw my covered ears.

"Not really, though all loud music never cease to annoy me" I yelled back in a very polite voice, my dad had taught me.

"Seriously, you don't like rap?" the yelling annoyed me and I turned down the volume, until it was just background noise. He looked at me like I'd just broken his car. "Rap is like the best music ever. Don't you like music at all?" he said almost offended, it sounded like.

I snorted, at his poor judgment; he thought it was music. Cute. "Of course I like music, I just wouldn't call rap music" I said, not bothering to seem nice anymore. I felt a nudge in the back of my seat; Ally was not pleased with my insult. She still hoped it would work out between me and Luke, but that plan was long gone. I ignored her and waited for a response from Luke.

"You wouldn't… you wouldn't call rap music?" he yelled and his annoying voice jumped up an octave in shock. He was definitely offended now. I smiled a sly smile. He stared at me with a dumb expression on his face.

"Look where you're driving" I muttered, and then continued in a normal leveled voice. "No, I wouldn't call rap music." I said with annoyance because I had to repeat myself.

He snorted, turned up the volume again and focused on the road. Aaron and Ally chattered away and I could hear how they got flirtier and flirtier as the time in the small car passed.

We finally arrived at the museum and I almost threw myself out the door to get away from him and his horrible noise.

Luke flirted with the woman selling tickets, but I didn't care and ignored it completely. The young woman found him cute, for some reason, and I almost considered going home so they could date instead. But Ally would probably feel bad for staying if I left, and I didn't want to ruin her evening with Aaron.

We went in and I was instantly overwhelmed with panic; there was dead animals everywhere. If hybrids could feel fear, this was it.

"I can't do this" I whispered in Ally's ear.

Ally didn't even consider responding. She had other ideas. "Luke?" she asked.

"What?" he said and removed his gaze from a dead gorilla.

"Renesmee is a little scared of the… exhibition, and was wondering I you would hold her hand" _What?_ The last thing I needed right now was his icky hand in mine. Ally was crossing a line.

"Okay" he said with confidence, apparently he hadn't noticed my hatred. Did he just roll his eyes? Obnoxious little creature!

He got closer and closer, and then grabbed my hand. It felt out of place there, too cold and too round.

I sighed and started walking towards one of the animals. It was a tiger, placed so it was looking right at the person looking at it. I shuddered and I could hear Luke giggle – there was no other way to describe that sound – beside me.

I removed my hand from his and walked towards the opening leading into a new room of… dead animals: This was going to be a long day. When I got into the new room I instantly stopped, my eyes almost popping out of their sockets of horror. I was standing nose to nose with a brown wolf, behind it were three others. One sand colored, one black and one gray. They looked like a copy of Jacob's – the name made my heart explode and then collect itself slowly again – pack. Jacob as the leader; Seth, Embry and Leah behind him, I was frozen into place. The feelings rushing through me were so overwhelming I nearly screamed. What if Jacob had been shot? A loud "Buh!" and a sudden pair of hands pushed into my back, giving me no other options than grabbing the nose of the front wolf – "Jacob" - to support myself so I wouldn't fall, did strange things to me. I was running on instincts now.

I growled, the same way I did it when I was hunting, and swirled around to grab the arms of the laughing Luke standing behind me. I shook his body violently while yelling profanities into his horror struck face.

"What are you doing?" he whispered in a little voice. I let go in an instant and realizing what I'd done, ran out of the room away from Luke and away from the wolves. I could hear footsteps behind me, and not just any footsteps; Ally's footsteps.

"Wait!" she said breathlessly.

I stopped to explain myself before I would run away completely, all the way home. "Why? He won't forgive me for that, he will just think I'm an idiot. And even if he did forgive me, I still don't like him. He's a complete jerk" I said it in a calm voice, except for the last word I spit through my teeth.

Ally sent me something between a pitiful and disapproving look. "Can you please stay? We can go home now and I promise we can listen to the radio instead of rap." I was about to interrupt her, when she quickly added. "If you go home, I have to go too, and I really think it could work out between me and Aaron. Please" I hated to be the reason; Ally and Aaron's date didn't work out, and due to my lovely personality I gave in.

"Fine I'll stay" Ally gave me a big hug, while I added. "If you promise we won't be listening to rap music."

"I swear" she mumbled into my shoulder.

"Hey, where's the queue for that?" Aaron's voice asked as he came into the room where we were hugging. I pulled away from Ally who was giggling in a sweet way.

Luke came into the room too, looking scared, but with a strange smirk playing on his lips.

I didn't apologize and neither did he, when we were seated in the little car again. Ally remembered her promise and, without asking, reached her arm out from the back and turned on the radio to a normal pop station. Luke was about to change it but Aaron hissed something under his breath that made him change his mind.

It was a very quiet trip home, at least on the front row. Luke was still smirking for some reason, and I was still doing my best to not rip his head off, all in all a hostile environment. A cheesy pop song I usually hated flowed through the speakers, but for a very good reason the song made a lot more sense now, and I hummed along.

I caught a tear escaping from my eye, but I was a strong person, and a stupid song shouldn't make me cry. I looked out the window and suppressed the huge feeling of loss that tried to make its way to the surface.

We pulled into the parking lot in front of the huge grey building we called both school and home. There wasn't light in any of the windows facing the road and parking lot; the school side was closed during the weekends. We went through the big opening in the building, leading into the court yard, where the big apple trees reigned like proud kings over the students walking, sitting, laying and standing under them. The apples were sprayed over the grass, looking like dead crimson flowers.

We took the east entrance to the boys' hall, which surprised me a lot. Ally didn't look like she was taken by surprise, so I just followed them secretly wishing they would start laughing and tell me this whole day had been a joke. But that didn't happen and after 10 minutes of walking through the halls, we arrived at their dorm.

"Come on in, my lovely ladies," Aaron said in a formal voice as he opened the door and stepped aside to let us in first. Ally went first with me right at her heels; no way, she was leaving me in the hall alone with Luke.

The room looked shockingly like I had imagined it. The same two beds, same closet and same old table with a spinning chair next to. The only difference from me an Ally's room was their walls were painted in ghastly blue instead of the ghastly red on our walls. Well, at least the school wasn't sexists, I thought sarcastically and sad down on the unpreserved bed – Ally and Aaron were already chatting on the other. Luke walked in, his head held high like a proud soldier ready to receive a medal. I rolled my eyes and waited for him to sit down in the chair.

He didn't, he sat down next to me on the bed. "So…" I said, trying to make it less awkward, but succeeding in making it painfully more awkward. Luke didn't seem to notice though. He just looked at me with a strange kind of confused look on his face.

"Your heart is beating fast" he said, and smiled a somewhat charming smile, considering it was his lips forming it.

"Yeah…" I said, hesitating slightly. I had no idea what he was doing.

He lifted his hand slowly and touched my hand that lay in my lap. "And your skin is hot" he said this time almost a whisper.

My head clicked and I realized where he was going. He thought I had a crush on him! Stupid hybrid instincts making it impossible to live a normal life! Why me? He could have asked every other girl in this stupid building out, but no, it had to be me, because I just wasn't miserable enough to begin with.

My thoughts were interrupted as an ice cold set of lips touched mine. I was shocked beyond reason. I sat there like a stone as he tried to force his tongue into my mouth. I had to stop him. Now!

I pushed his ugly body down on the floor, with all the force of my hybrid body and jumped off the bed. A huge cry of pain escaping the lips that had crushed mine seconds ago. Total silence encircled the room… Then hell broke loose.

"What the hell did you do?" Ally yelled at me with all the force her small body could produce and rose from Aaron's bed.

"He kissed me!" I yelled back and hissed at the nearly unconscious Luke lying on the floor.

"And that makes it legal to almost break his spine?" she yelled back with tears streaming down her face now.

It was too much. I couldn't stand it. I spun around and ran out the room without stopping before I reached Ally's and my room. I threw myself on my bed, and started punching the pillow while screaming millions of profanities. These weeks were supposed to be the best of my existence, not the worst. Why couldn't I be normal?

Soon the punching slowed and the profanities turned into sobbing. I buried my face in the soft fabric and cried loudly. What had I done? I'd had a life full of people who loved me, and I'd been selfish, had taken off and said: no thanks, I don't appreciate your love. See ya.

Every time I thought of his perfectly formed lips humoring me, saying the right things at the right time, his warm body against mine when we hugged, the smell of raindrops in his shaggy fur, and last but not least his deep dark eyes, a new stream of tears would fill my eyes. Jacob! I needed him. Now and forever.

**Thanks for reading this ^^!**

**I'm sorry for the lack of Jacob and other characters we know and love from twilight, but I wanted to introduce some of my own. I promise there will be some Edward, Jacob, Bella and all the others; I just have to give poor Renesmee some friends of her own.**

**The song Renesmee is humming along to is Home by Westlife, give it a go **

**If you want to make my day then please REVIEW!**

**Oh, and tell me if you like this layout or the other one better :)**

**Thank you so much again ^^**


	4. Chapter 4 Friends?

**Chapter 4: Friends?**

I woke up to the sound of someone slamming the door. I didn't catch a sight of who it was, but I had a strong feeling it was Ally; I could smell it; her lavender smell left a big trail of where she'd been. I sat up in bed and became aware that I was fully dressed. That's when I remembered the night before; the night I officially destroyed my new life. I'd done a pretty good job, if I had to say it myself: Only friend; offended. Only hope of getting a boyfriend; hurt really badly. Friend's boyfriend; probably pissed too, since I smashed his friend. Yep, I'd been nothing but thorough. 

I got up, took off my stupid tight top, threw it in my closet and pulled on some normal casual clothes: Jeans and a red sweatshirt with my name on the back and the boarding school's logo on the front. I suddenly noticed how weak Ally's scent was. Had she slept with Aaron? I believed so.

It was a Sunday and I had nothing planned, so there would be plenty of time to regret everything and give up. Lovely. 

I remembered a paper that was due tomorrow. It was about _Wuthering Heights_, so it wouldn't take me long to finish. My mum and dad used to read it to me when I was younger; it was my mum's favorite book. We read it together; I would read the descriptions, my mum would read what Catherine said and my dad what Heathcliff said, both with so much passion, it made me shiver and smile at the right moments. I sometimes forgot that it was my turn to read.

This was definitely not a hard assignment. I would make it later. I was hungry now. How long had I slept? I looked at the clock. It was already 11:00 AM.

Before I went down to the dining hall, I brushed my fingers through my tangled hair, yawned and went out on the hall. It was crowded with people enjoying their Saturday. As soon as I stepped out everyone went completely silent. Were they rehearsing a play? I squinted trying to see if I could spot Ashton Kutcher yelling "You got Punk'd", but I wasn't a celebrity, and I couldn't find him anywhere.

Then two seconds after the silence broke into a storm of whispering, and everyone glared at me. Wasn't it rude to glare? I tried to ignore it as I walked through the crowd that backed up against the wall as I passed like I was some kind of monster. Okay, I was a monster, but they didn't know! Or did they? Had my little stunt yesterday revealed my secret? Panic hit me. I had trouble breathing and I could feel my skin get warmer. Had I just destroyed many centuries of excellent secret-keeping?

G_et yourself together_, I thought and shook my head, _try to listen to what they're actually whispering about, before you freak out, you idiot_. Wow, even my thoughts hated me, but I did as they had advised me to_._ I didn't have to concentrate much before I could focus on one of the conversations. It was two girls who were gossiping.

"She almost killed him" one of them hissed in a slightly nasal voice.

"I know. And it's Luke! He won't be able to attend to the game on Saturday. We will lose big time, because of her!" the other one hissed back, the first voice wasn't nasal; this one was.

She tried to point at me in a subtle way, but failed miserably. I then thought of what she'd said. Had I broken Luke Parker's – one of the important player's- body? I thought it was a normal Luke, like Luke Johnson or Luke brown, not Luke Parker. Well, I just kept ruining my own life.

"She's probably pissed because he didn't kiss her, or maybe she expected even more. She's such a slut. She doesn't talk to anyone besides Ally, who's a freak. She thinks she's so much better than us." the first one hissed. No they both had nasal voices.

"She's so stupid; everyone knows he's a virgin." I snorted loudly. Had I expected a kiss from him? The thought gave me nausea; he was the last person in the entire universe I would kiss.

"Oh my god, she's looking right at us, look away!" The second one hissed again. It took me a few seconds before I realized I'd stopped to stare at them while laughing to myself. I hurried forward and away from the two girls and everybody else's evil glares.

I peeked through the big wooden door to the dining room, and to my relief it was almost empty. There were a few people sitting at the long oak tables, but I would have no troubles finding a quiet place to eat for myself.

I grabbed a bagel and a juice and went to the table furthest away, where I sat on the edge.

Here I was out of hearing range, though I could easily hear them. I started absentmindedly nipping on the bagel. It felt out of place as it slit down my throat and into my stomach, but it was another one of the consequences of pretending to be human. I could survive on human food, but blood tasted so much better. I could feel the burn in my throat, it wasn't too bad, but it was there, reminding me every second that I didn't belong here.

I tried to tune out the burning and the angry whispering around me, by focusing on something else; memories.

The first one I tried to remember was once when I was pretty young. It was the day we moved from Forks, Washington to Cordova, Alaska. I remembered Embry had lied to his mother, said he was going on a boarding school in Alaska to find himself. Oh the Irony. Quill wasn't going; he couldn't leave Claire, and had therefore joined Sam's pack again. I remembered how Leah and Seth hugged their crying mother goodbye, promising to come back soon, but knowing that it might be a lie. But she would survive; Sue was a strong woman, who'd survived the death of her husband, raising two teenage werewolves and still seeming at ease.

I also remembered my mum saying goodbye to Charlie, my granddad. He had tears in his eyes, though he would have denied it, and my mum's face was turned into the one of a tortured person; the vampire way of crying. Then there was the farewell between my dad and his parents and siblings. None of them were coming with us. That goodbye had been one of the hardest to watch. Even though they were my own family, I had to look away; it was too personal and intimate. 

The only goodbye to beat them was the goodbye between Jacob and Billy. Their relationship was something so strong it was impossible to understand. They'd hugged each other for so long, burying their faces in each other's shoulders; Jacob bending down and Billy stretching in his wheelchair. I didn't dare to look, because no matter how you put it, I was the reason behind all of these goodbyes.

I remembered experiencing all of this while constantly shifting carrier. They all hugged and kissed me, but I was focused on the others instead of focusing on my own departure. I regretted that now. It had been so emotional in the little clearing in front of my old house. The Cullen's house, as it was known in the little town of Forks. Such a lovely little town…

My memory was interrupted by someone clearing their throat loudly, probably to get my attention. I looked up from my frozen position - staring at the veins in the wood – to look at the person.

"What?" I said in a voice that sounded like I'd been woken up from a nightmare.

The person was a boy, about 18 years old. He had brown hair that was a little longer than most guys'; it fell like a wavy curtain right over his high cheekbones. It suited him and made him look shy, or maybe he was just shy. His smell was hard to identify, but definitely in the tree department. His eyes were grey, but they weren't focusing on me anymore. He was having a staring competition with the floor.

"Hi… I know it's really rude and I should…" I didn't hear anything else he was saying; his strong British accent blew me away. I had never heard a British accent in real life, and I found it more adorable than I thought I would. He looked at me a little intimidated, but still like he was waiting for an answer. What had he just said?

"What?" I had to ask once again and felt rather stupid.

He took my 'what?' as a doubt of his question instead of an actual question.

"I'm so sorry, I'll just leave," he apologized, of course still in a British accent, though that surprised me for some reason. He turned away and went for the door.

"No!" I yelled a little too loud. People turned around to look at me, but I ignored them. He turned too. "_I'm_ sorry. I really didn't hear you." I apologized and looked at him as he stood there deciding whether to leave or stay.

"It doesn't matter anyway" he said his hands in his pockets, eyes on the floor; still refusing to look at me, and turned around again to leave.

"Well, that mystery's going to keep me up all night" I mumbled to myself a little disappointed and returned to eating my bagel.

"What?" he asked and turned around - once again - to look at me. His eyes were a deep ocean blue with hints of grey around the pupil. Enchanting, one might say.

"Nothing… you just go ahead and leave without knowing what I would've answered" I said and dismissed him. I played the mysterious card; maybe he would find my comment really weird and run away, which didn't bug me, since everyone else thought that about me too. Or he would fall for it, and ask his question again.

He sighed like he was irritated, but smiled a little smile afterwards. "Fine, I'll ask you again" he said and surrendered. "But before I do, please remember that it's a stupid request," he added and looked up to check my answer before he continued. 

I nodded. "Good. I was just… wondering if… maybe… you would… give me your… juice" his searching for words and sweet accent meant I had to focus real hard on what he was saying.

I laughed at his request, I couldn't help it. It was still weird he asked _me_, hadn't he heard? I'd ruined the big game. The important game we had to win, to go through to the next round. The game that was so important I'd actually considered watching it. And I hated sports.

"Sure, you can have it" I said when I'd finished laughing. "If you tell me your name" I added and smiled at him. Maybe he could be my new Ally; a guy version of Ally. Or maybe just a normal friend.

"Oh… then I don't want it" he said, but this time he didn't turn around.

"How bad can it be?" I asked. I was the one called the same as the Loch Ness monster, how could his name possibly be worse?

"It's William, but I prefer Will, though that doesn't make it much better" he said and shrugged.

"William? That's not bad, it's really authentic. Mine's Renesmee, but I'm mostly called Nessie. You know like the Loch Ness" I laughed my high bell-like laugh again and offered him my hand to present myself properly.

"Yours is definitely better than mine. I mean Renesmee." It was like he tasted the name on his tongue. My name sounded much cuter in an English accent. I might consider introducing myself like that. "It sounds like a flower, very poetic" he continued and shook my hand, instead of ignoring it like Luke. He sat down on the opposite side of the table and took my juice. First I was very confused, but then I remembered my promise.

"Can I ask you something?" I then asked and proceeded to eat my bagel again, while looking at him.

"Depends on the question, Nessie" he said and smiled a crooked smile.

"Are you from England? And if yes, why did you decide to come to Canada? Oh and why did you ask me for my juice?" I knew it was more than one question, but I wanted to ask all before I forgot them.

"Yes, I'm from London; Notting Hill actually, and I decided to come to Canada, because I found Notting Hill a little boring, and I needed some change. Then I saw this add that I could go to Canada and live on this boarding school. So I did. The reason I asked for your juice, is because I always drink juice in the morning, it's my own kind of coffee. But there wasn't any left today" He explained and smiled; he seemed a little more comfortable now.

"So you're all alone on this continent?" I asked a little amazed. He didn't seem like the type who just ran away from home to get some excitement. I should really stop stereotyping. I'd been right about Luke, but William sounded a little deeper than shallow, superficial Luke. "And that's not what I meant. I meant why did you ask _me_?" I asked, before he could answer my first question and watched him drink the juice before he answered.

"Yeah, pretty much. It's scary, but I think it's a big step towards finding who you are," he said. He wanted to find himself, just like me. If I didn't constantly think of Jacob, he would definitely be a great soul mate. He had to think a bit longer about the other question, but after two minutes he answered that too. "First of all you had the juice" he said and laughed. Was it possible for a laugh to sound British? Apparently it was, because his did. "And then you did look a little lonely. No offence. And everybody else was sitting in groups, and I'm not that good with groups. A single person is more than enough for me to handle." He laughed again and I laughed with him.

"I was pretty lonely." I admitted. I leaned forward and cupped my hands at my mouth like in Kindergarten when you wanted to tell a secret. He played along and leaned forward too listening carefully. "Everybody hates me" I whispered and chuckled in his ear. He chuckled too, and whispered back:

"And why do they hate you?" I smiled at his question; he hadn't heard the gossip.

"Mainly because I injured Luke Parker when I pushed him away from his attempt to kiss me" I was happy to tell my version of the story, instead of listening to people saying I wanted to kiss him. The thought almost made me shudder.

This time William didn't chuckle; he guffawed, and I pulled away to make sure he wouldn't deafen me.

"You… rejected… and injured… Luke… Parker?" he managed to say, between his roar of laughter. If people weren't looking before, they were now. And they weren't subtle about it. I didn't blame them; I was staring at him too. I didn't get it; why was he laughing? Didn't it mean anything to him that Luke Parker was injured? Judging from his laughter, I would say, it didn't.

"Yeah, but not on purpose" I mumbled in shame. Violence was not something I supported.

William took a deep breath, steadying his breathing before he talked again.

"Splendid!" He said exactly how I'd imagined him saying it. "I'm sorry, I seem rather mean now. I know I'm supposed to be angry with you, because he's the most important guy here. But I just really, really, really dislike him. Thank god I'm not his roommate. Can you imagine how horrible it must be for Aaron?" I froze at the mentioning of Aaron, but he didn't notice.

"It's great he finally asked that girl out. Allison, I think. They both have such nice personalities. I have almost all my classes with Aaron, except Biology and Calculus." 

He kept talking about his problems; Luke, making fun of his accent, his cluelessness in Biology, and this cute girl he liked, Julie Denison, but didn't have the guts to ask out. It was very comforting to hear about some normal human problems. I didn't talk much; told about my horrible date with Luke, offered to help him with his Biology, and encouraged him to ask Julie out. Sometimes he asked me about my life, but I smoothly turned it into a question for him instead of answering. He wouldn't understand my life; nobody would.

**This is a little shorter than my pervious chapters… sorry (:  
Just want to let you know that William is one of my favorite characters I've ever created… And now I'm sharing him with you guys… so tell me if you think he's amazing too ^.^  
As always… please please please review! I read all of them and I appreciate them all ^^  
One of you mentioned there are a few grammatical errors, and I do my best to correct as many as possible.  
Just so you know… I post new chapters every Friday ^^  
If you have any questions at all, please ask =]  
Love you xxxxxxxxxx  
- The Author 3**


	5. Chapter 5 Friends and Fears

**Chapter 5: Friendship and fear**

I was right about his age; he was 18. That also explained why I hadn't seen him before. It was his second year here, and I therefore didn't attend to any of his classes. We'd talked for hours at the long dark table, before we parted for the day.

I couldn't fall asleep that night. I tried all the well-known positions: on my back, on my left side, on my right side, on my tummy, with my feet on the pillow. Nothing worked, my mind kept going on and on about the usual stuff: JACOB! I wouldn't admit it though, I blamed it on the fact that real vampires didn't sleep. Stupid, I know, but when you're lacking sleep, you're lacking brain too.

We met up again on Sunday. It seemed like an old habit, when he at breakfast grabbed my juice and sat down next to a very exhausted me, not even a hello, and we were chatting like old friends. He did most of the talking, of course he did, and I didn't have much to tell. But after several succeeded attempts to make him talk about his life, he'd finally won and made me talk. It was hard to explain my life to him, but I'd chosen something he might have a little chance to relate to; Jacob.

I'd told him about how we'd been best friends forever, and that we now were at the next stage. About how I ran off to Canada, to find myself, about the letters that he kept sending. And last I told him about the phone call; leaving out the part about him finding out through Leah's thoughts. He'd said that I had to write to Jacob about my feelings, because he couldn't interrupt a letter, which was a stupid idea to me at first. I mean a letter could potentially ruin everything. Just one word misunderstood, and boom! He could commit suicide. Despite of all those fairly good reasons, William still managed to convince me it was a maybe not good, but not bad idea either.

So we were now sitting in my room on a Sunday; him typing away on his biology project regularly checking if I was still there, me with an empty paper and a pencil, ready to write down the letter for Jacob, as soon as I came up with something. I was completely blank.

William looked over at me for the millionth time and sighed. "You know, I'm not leaving until you're done, and it's posted." he said and smiled an encouraging smile.

I smiled back but not as enthusiastic; I was too drained to do anything enthusiastically. Drained of energy, drained of will and drained of happiness. "I just don't know what to write" I complained with a moan. This letter was not an easy thing to write. In fact it was impossible to write. Every single word had to be reconsidered, so he wouldn't misunderstand it.

"Let's make a deal. If you finish that letter before midnight, I promise to ask Julie out" he said and tilted his head curiously to see if I was that easy to negotiate with. I thought about it for a while. Was I that easy? I could always rip it out of the postman's hands, if I regretted. Plus I really wanted him to ask Julie out. She would say yes, I was sure of it. If not, she would definitely be banned from my potential friend-list forever, and make her way all the way down to the kill-me-if-you-see-me-with-it list… and yes, it, because genders doesn't exist in hell. _Calm down, _I thought to myself. I didn't even have a list. Also, I knew she would say yes. I just knew it. It just had to happen.

"Deal!" I answered loudly. "Now be quiet so I can think" I said in a serious voice but ended it with a little laugh. He laughed too, and spun the chair around so he was once again facing his computer. I too returned to my paper and started writing.

_Dear Jacob Black_

_I know you're really angry with me right now, and I'm sorry. I really am. About the unwritten letters; I broke my promise, but you have to understand how hard this is for me._

I erased everything, and sighed. I couldn't write it was hard for me. He would definitely misunderstand that. As I'd said; it was impossible. I groaned and childishly threw the pencil and paper on the floor, though it felt more like dropping it, when I didn't use my real strength. William didn't turn around to see what had caused the sound; instead he cleared his throat as if to remind me of our deal. I sat still for a moment, deliberating, before I picked the paper and pencil up. I gave it another shot, this time thinking before writing.

_Dear Jacob Black_ Even that part was difficult. Hi or dear? Jake or Jacob? Black or no Black? I decided on the formal choice, because you couldn't misinterpret that, right?

_This is the first letter I've ever written for you, since we've never been apart before. I know you're going to try to make all kinds of interpretations, but I'm sure the first thing you read is the right way to understand this. After all you do know me the best._

I could feel a tear forming in the corner of my eye, and as the tears started flowing so did the words.  
_  
First of all I'm really genuinely sorry I hang up on you a few days ago. Today is two month since we parted, and I won't even bother to ask if you remember that day. I've read all of your letters a thousand times, but none of them gave me the courage to write a reply. Today I found something that did. His name is William and it's his second year here. I know you probably think we're dating, but we're not! William has a huge crush on a girl named Julie, and besides I don't see myself as available. Again I have to remind you to not take this the wrong way. What I meant was that I'm not ready for dating, and I'm sure about that, because I tried it Friday. Please don't freak out, it ended in total chaos, and I have no intentions of meeting him again. About coming home; it's just not an option at the moment. I know how hard this is for you, and I'm sorry. Please let me do this._

_Thank you._

_I love you forever and a weekend more_

_Renesmee Carlie Cullen_

I folded the paper once and put it in an envelope. I wrote Jacob's address with the closest thing to a shaky hand you could get in the vampire world, and took a deep breath. I'd done it. I'd written a letter for Jacob. It wasn't a long letter, but I could finally get rid of some of all the guilt I carried around with me. But nothing had changed. I still felt empty in some way; like I still needed to apologize to him. Why couldn't my mind stop thinking about him for one tiny second? I supported my forehead in my hands and groaned for the third time.

"What's wrong?" William said and I was once again stunned by how British two words could sound. I looked up now, supporting my chin in my hands instead of my forehead. I hadn't noticed him turning around to look at me, but he was. He was frowning, like he was afraid he'd hurt me. He hadn't, I was just being an idiot.

"I just miss him" I said and my voice broke. I could feel the tears slowly making their way down my cheek. I wiped them away quickly and looked away from William's anxious glare.

William rose from the chair he'd been sitting in and walked over to me slowly, deliberating every single step. 

Even though we'd known each other for 34 hours we still hadn't touched each other, only when we shook hands, and that had been slightly awkward. I could feel tension in the atmosphere now, as he was about to hug me. I smiled a little smile at him, but it came out wrong. I looked like I was on the edge of a mental breakdown.

The little unsecure smile made up his mind and he crossed the room quickly and sat down beside me on my bed. He looked at me and stroked my back with a trembling hand. I buried my face in my hands and felt the tears creating puddles in my palms. It felt like blood running down my wrist down my arm and ending its journey soaking in to my jeans. He kept stroking my back. Up and Down. Down and Up. Up and Down. Down and Up. I tried to focus on the rhythm and control my breathing.

How could he just sit here, not freaking out or sprinting for the door? He must feel really guilty. Even though we'd only known each other for 34 hours, there still was an undeniable strong bond between us. After sometime the backstroking helped. I looked up at William, who'd been looking at me the entire time.

"I'm sorry you had to see this" I said and sniffed whilst smiling.

He looked at me with confusion. "You're sorry? I was the one pushing you in to writing the letter" he said and the corners of his mouth turned down.

"I miss him all the time; it's neither you nor the letter's fault." I said and smiled, trying to change the subject I added: "Speaking of you pushing me in to writing a letter. You owe me to see you ask a certain Julie out on a date"

The mentioning of Julie first made his eyes sparkle and then made him moan; he did not want to ask her out. "Do you even begin to realize how hard this is for me? I mean she probably doesn't even know I exist" He complained, like a teenage boy complaining to an embarrassing mother, about how she didn't get the lives of the young.

"Of course she's aware of your existence. I mean have you heard yourself? That accent is pretty hard to not notice" I said and laughed a carefree laugh. It was my time to encourage him, and it either worked or he was a very polite man, who laughed when other people laughed at their own jokes. Either way he laughed.

"Nice confidence boost" his voice wasn't sad anymore. He was ready to go for it.

"Well, she probably won't be thrilled if you knock on her door in the middle of the night, so you should get going" I said and for some reason I stood up, even though I wasn't the one leaving.

He mirrored me, and took a deep calming breath. It looked like he was trying to convince himself that it was a good idea.

"Wish me luck," he said as he waved and closed the door.

I smiled to myself as I dropped myself on the bed. If Julie didn't say yes to Will, I didn't know what I would do. He was such a sweet boy, and every girl or at least every sane girl would say yes and kiss him on the spot. I folded my hands as if to pray to God. A god I didn't believe existed. I repeated the same things in my head over and over: _Please say yes, Julie! Please smile, Jacob! Please forgive me, Jacob! Please let me see William again! Please say yes, Julie! Please smile, Jacob! Please forgive me, Jacob! Please let me see William again! Please say yes, Julie! Please smile, Jacob! Please forgive me, Jacob! Please let me see William again!_

I was in the middle of one of those dreams where I'm not exactly aware of what's happening – just familiar faces appearing and disappearing- when I was woken by the sound of a closing door. This time it hadn't been slammed like two nights ago, and I was grateful for that.

I opened my eyes and was a little stunned by how late or early it was. When my eyes had adjusted to the darkness- the room was only lit up by a stream of moonlight from the window- I saw the contour of a person sitting on Ally's empty bed with his back to me. My first reaction was horror: who had sneaked into my room in the middle of the night? And why had he done this? I would have noticed if the person had tried to hurt me, right? Or had I been too far in to unconsciousness to notice? Why was the maniac just sitting there not looking at me?

My eyes were now fully adjusted to the lack of light, and I could see who it was; William. My brain was still half asleep, and that explained some of the weird thoughts that ran through my mind: Oh, he wants to sleep here and keep me company. How nice. Weird that he's sitting, and not laying, but maybe that's just his 'style'. I should try that some time. Then again, why exactly would he want to sleep here? 

I finally remembered why he wasn't supposed to be here: Julie! Why wasn't he with Julie? Did she say no? Is he overwhelmed by her positive reaction? He had to be, because I couldn't survive otherwise, right? It felt like my head was about to explode. What had I done? Had I just screwed up his life? Poor guy and it was my fault, but of course partly Julie's too, but mine mostly.

"I hope you're practicing the art of silent joy" I croaked out with a voice that too was half asleep like the rest of my body.

William jumped at the sound of my voice, and turned around to look at me. The moonlight from the window was reflecting in his wide open eyes, washing out the color leaving them a dark shadow of gray. They looked wet, like he'd been crying. He took a deep breath and smiled apologetically, but his smile didn't reach his eyes. She'd said no. Kill me.

"I'm sorry I woke you" he said and swung his legs over the bed so his entire body was facing me still sitting on the bed. I lifted my upper body, supporting myself with my arms. Then I leaned my back against the headboard, my head against the wall, and focused my tired eyes on the ceiling.

"You're forgiven. Now tell me how bad the Julie confrontation went" I said and closed my eyes. It wasn't that I didn't care about what happened; I was just so tired. I hadn't been sleeping probably all week; chaos was everywhere and made it impossible to sleep well.

"Well… I went over to her room and knocked, all ready for being charming and stuff. Then when she opened I was dumbstruck immediately, and my entire vocabulary was long gone. I tried to smile, but it came out all wrong, and I ended up looking like an idiot. She asked what I wanted and with my vocabulary nowhere in sight, I stammered my way through something that sounded like this" I could hear him clear his throat to make his impersonation just right;

"H…hi? I…I… don't…. know… if…if…you… eh… know… me...b…bu…but…I was just… eh… eh…wondering…if… you… eh…maybe… eh… wanted… to go out… with me" his stammering was very impressive – had he been rehearsing?- and his voice faded in the right way at the end, like the unpopular asking the celebrity out. Even though I hadn't been there I could feel the awkwardness running through my veins like a virus.

Will cleared his throat again and continued the story. "She looked at me with one of those pity faces, have you ever seen one of those? It is awful." he shook his head, "She said that she thought I was sweet, but that she already had a boyfriend, and then, speaking of the devil, her big muscular boyfriend steps out with a smirk on his brawny face. It was so awkward, I swear, I was almost drowning in my own sweat. The boyfriend laid his huge sturdy arms around her tiny ballerina-like body," when talking about her his voice changed in to a small idolizing one "as if he owned her." and back to the angry voice again, "She blushed, smiled a sympathetic smile and closed the door right in my face. And how can she look sympathetic? She's never experience anything like this? Nobody has!" His voice got higher and higher and mixed with his British accent, I had a hard time suppressing a chuckle.

"Then why didn't you come back earlier?" I asked as soon as I had my unlaughed laughter under control.

"I didn't want to come back here crying like a baby, so I went out for a walk," he explained his voice normal again and shrugged.

"Isn't it dangerous to walk around outside in the middle of the night? I mean, especially if you're close to a mental breakdown, right?" I asked and smiled, still with my eyes closed. I didn't know if he was looking at me, but I didn't think he was. He seemed like he was staring at the floor, just like the day I met him. Was it only 2 days ago? Wow, it was weird how time passed by, when you had good company.

"Yeah, but my mind wasn't working, and I really needed some air. It was strange, though. As I was out, I saw this shadow of something. It looked like a bear, but the shape was more like a huge dog. I hope it was just my imagination, because I really wouldn't want that thing anywhere near people." 

My eyes flew open in shock, and I gasped out loud, as it sank in what he'd said. A huge dog? The size of a bear? It sounded too familiar. Why was Jacob here? Hadn't I told him to stay away? How long had he been out there?

"Was it as big as a bear or maybe a horse?" I whispered, even though he'd just told me that was the case.

"Yes…" he said and looked at me with a confused face.

"And it looked like a dog or a wolf. What color was its' fur?" I asked while trying to breathe normally. Jacob was close. Very close. The elastic bond that he'd talked about was puling even harder. Just a few minutes of running, and you will be together. You could leave boarding school and live the rest of eternity with Jake. Remember what he said: You can just be friends. _Shut up!_ I thought and hissed at my own thoughts.

"I didn't see the thing, if there even is a thing. I only saw the shadow. Why are you freaking out, like this? Are you searching for a monstrously giant Golden Retriever?" He asked and laughed. I responded with a little laugh myself, but inside I was screaming. My body was craving for Jacob's embrace. I still just saw him as my best friend. Not my soul mate, but the longing was undeniable, friendly longing or not; it was there; twitching my heart in strange ways, reminding me of the torture of my first few days here. Hell on earth, there was no other way to describe it.

"No… I just heard about this bear running wild around here" I lied, and laid my head against the wall again, closing my eyes. I wanted to sleep. Or actually I wanted to wake up, by the sound of William dancing around, because Julie said yes, but that wasn't really an option, was it? My head was thudding with all the new information, and a nightmare was inevitable tonight. I would just have to take it like a man, or a woman, or a girl, or a vampire, or a hybrid, or whatever I was.

"Okay…" he said and yawned, "I better get back to my dorm, so I won't be tired tomorrow too."

"Too?" I asked barely managing to keep myself from not dropping into the comforting unconsciousness of sleep.

"Tired and heartbroken," he explained, "Two things like that could lead to suicide"

"Okay" was all I managed to say, before I fell asleep.

After falling out of consciousness the nightmare came creeping through my harmless sleep. The first thing I saw was a blurry silhouette in the middle of an empty field. It looked like a giant dark spruce, the moonlight glowing behind it. The silhouette changed gradually, it got taller and slimmer, legs started to form below, and I could see arms forming. The dark shape looked like the shape of a tall man. But then the "man" turned his head, and a huge nose was visible and sharp teeth were hanging in the huge mouth under the nose. It wasn't a man; it was a wolf, and not only a wolf; a big dangerous wolf. 

I gasped, and the wolf noticed. It turned the huge head back to me, and I could feel it's' hot breath heating my face and chest. The smell was appalling; a mixture of human flesh – probably last meal - and bugs – something the huge beast had swallowed, when opening the enormous jaws. I felt cold, but the warm breath, made me sweat. Huge drops of perspiration ran from my forehead down my nose taking the jump from my nose tip to my lips and then disappearing. I could see how the jaws opened and came closer. One of the tooth duck into my vampire skin like a knife in butter, and drew a line of my blood all the way across the top of my head. I screamed a deep desperate scream.

**This was a long chapter (6 pages in Microsoft word!), and that's because the next chapter will change the story completely, and I needed to finish this first. I hope you find the nightmare creepy… I do!  
As always, review, review and review (: Even if you did it the last time, it's still very helpful reading your reviews… like Emily Redbird's review was very helpful, because I've added some more thoughts and stuff in this chapter, just for her/you^^  
I know I upload every Friday, and I try to keep that promise, but I won't be uploading next Friday because 2 exchange students from Switzerland will be visiting the whole week, and when they go home I'm going to this gathering at the Boarding School I'm going to live at next year. So yeah, sorry, but private life is no. 1 (;  
REVIEW… and erhm… Goodbye :D ! xxxx**

**I LOVE YOU ^^  
- The Author 3**


	6. Chapter 6 Why?

**Chapter 6: Why?**

I sat up in bed in nothing near human speed: It was all instincts. I quickly searched the room for intruders, before I jumped out of my bed and hurried out the door. My first impulses had told me that it was night, and that jumping out the door like during a fire, wouldn't be weird, since no one would be awake. I was wrong.

The hall was filled with girls slowly sauntering off to class or breakfast. When I nearly fell out the door they all looked up and turned their heads to look at me, but only for a moment before they continued dragging their feet, slowly moving forward.

It didn't take me long to get inside my room again, put some more appropriate clothes on and then get out the door again. I ran down the hall doing my best not to run too fast, making people suspicious, and not too slow, making me late for class. Running was second nature to me, and it didn't keep my mind busy. Something that did occupy my mind was the horrifying nightmare from last night.

What did it mean? Why had I been terrified by a werewolf, when I trusted them? Was it wrong to trust them? No. It wasn't wrong, but why was it so scary then? Was it really Jake, who'd been outside last night, or was my nightmare trying to tell me I was exaggerating? Maybe it had just been a spruce and my imagination had instantly made the jump to a wolf? Time would show…

As I came into the classroom, it seemed like gossiping about me, hadn't gone out of fashion. I groaned quietly and sat down in the back of the room. People tried not to look at me, but once in a while they would glance down and then when my eyes met theirs, they would murmur to the person next to them. This was going to be a long day.

Mr. Lancaster came in balancing a stack of books on top of the usual brown leather briefcase he always carried around. A deep line of concentration had formed itself between his eyebrows.

"Good morning, students" He said almost relieved, when he sat down the books on one of the tables in the front. There was a low murmur of polite replies and then the class started.

I didn't realize I was sleeping until I was woken by the sound of my name.

"Is Renesmee here today?" Mr. Lancaster asked in a stressed voice.

I lifted my head from the table, before I answered: "Yes?"

"A guy insisted on talking to you." He sounded very irritated, and I didn't understand why he would let me talk to anyone during his lesson. Who could it be? The first person I could think of was William, but he would never be allowed to talk to me during class. Maybe it was the principal, who'd found out that I'd destroyed every hope of our school to get to the finals and had therefore decided to throw me out. But Lancaster wouldn't call the principal a guy, especially since it was a lady. I kept searching my mind for answers, as I made my way to the door.

I saw him standing up against the wall with a worried expression. First I was sure it wasn't him, but after blinking the fifth time I convinced myself I was right.

"Da…!" I yelled but quickly changed it to: "Edward!" People would find it weird that my dad was the same age as me, or at least as we pretended to be. I ran over to him a little faster than human speed, and then threw my arms around him when I was close enough.

His arms enclosed me, and he laid his cheek on my head. I smiled a huge smile, oh how I'd missed him! It was clear he'd missed me too.

"How are you, honey?" He asked still resting his cheek on my head. I could feel his breath in my hair.

"I'm fine" I said and tried to sound as cheerful as possible.

"Are you sure?" His voice was worried, of course he was worried. I couldn't lie to him, he could read my mind. He knew I struggled to keep positive, how much I missed them, all of them: Him, mom, everyone back in Cordova and Forks, and most of all Jacob.

"Maybe we should go some place we can be alone," he said, reading my thoughts. Not figuratively speaking.

I started walking towards my room, knowing that Ally was in class, and that we could be alone there. I took his hand, and smiled; I'd missed him more than I could imagine possible. Most people would probably think we were dating. I cringed at the thought. He chuckled at my reaction and squeezed my hand a little harder. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed, these silent conversations with my dad.

When we arrived at my room, I locked the door behind us and sat down on my bed next to him. He was looking at me, but I didn't look back; I was staring out in the empty air. We sat there for a moment; me thinking about Jacob and how horrible everything had been, him listening.

"I can't stand this!" His voice broke the silence like a whip breaking through the air. It made me jump.

"What?" I said and looked up at him to read his face. He was frustrated, and his eyes were piercing.

"You're miserable," he accused with sadness in his voice.

"I'm fine" I lied once again, but I knew he didn't believe me. Anyone with eyes or ears would know that I was lying. That was something I'd gotten from my mother, she too had always been a bad liar.

"Sweetie... You don't belong here. Not away from your family and…" he trailed of, but I knew what he was about to say. Why was it so hard for people to understand? He could read my mind, how could he not understand?

"You just don't understand… I have to do this. I have to find out who I am. What if someone falls in love with me, thinking I'm something I'm not?" My voice was turning into panic. My hypothetic question wasn't that hypothetic. Tears were streaming down my cheeks. I tried to wipe them off with the back of my hand, but my dad beat me there; he had his hands placed on each of my cheeks, and wiped the tears away with his thumbs.

"I know, but Jacob will love you no matter how far you run or how much you change. That's how imprinting works. You can come home tomorrow or after a century, but he will never forget you. He spends most days climbing through the window of your old room. He just sits on your bed, at your desk or on the floor. We've never told him that we can hear him cry, because I think he likes it that way: Hidden. So don't worry about him falling in love with a wrong image of you, just think about if this is really what you want." he said with a soothing voice, and looked into my eyes with a worried expression.

That's when I saw it: His eyes were onyx not the usual bright hazel. I pulled away from his hands and looked at him. If his eyes were black, it meant he hadn't hunted, and therefore hadn't foreseen this trip.

Realization hit. He wasn't supposed to be here. I'd told him not to be here. Mom had promised she would make him stay at home, no matter what.

"Bella doesn't know about this," he mumbled, answering my thoughts.

"You did something against mom's will?" I asked in shock. My father would do anything in the world, to avoid leaving or disobeying my mother. Anything. And now he'd done both, for me. I suddenly got very anxious. What could possibly make him do both?

"Why are you here?" I asked and crossed my arms over my chest superstitiously, trying to play it cool, but deep inside I was more than frightened about his visit.

"I wouldn't have come here if it wasn't absolutely crucial. I need you to please think positive whatever your reaction is and try not to not break anything." He was making me nervous and I nodded in response to his question. "Billy died. One day ago..." I wasn't aware of him saying anything else. The room went black, because I was falling, not psychically, but emotionally. I was falling into the deep black hole that I had been digging the last two months, waiting for a reason to jump into. While I was falling I saw pictures of how I could imagine my mother looking right now, then Billy, then Seth, and then the last thousand miles were Jacob's and Jacob's only. The agonized expression on his face, made me want to scream. Scream a thousand times louder than after last night's nightmare.

My father's arms were around me again and he was whispering in my ear. "It will be okay.  
Please calm down. Don't be afraid. Shh..." He repeated it over and over again while rocking me forward and backwards.

Death had never been a thing I'd learned to handle, because almost everyone I knew was immortal. But Billy: He was human. And now he was dead. Dead, as in not ever waking up again. Dead, as in never speaking with his deep husky voice. Dead, as in never cooking dinner for Jacob and me. Dead, as in never flashing one of the rare smiles that only family and true friends saw. Dead, as in dead.

After a while I came back to reality. I knew I needed to be with him, to be with Jacob. To comfort him, like I was supposed to do; it was my duty as his best friend, his sister, his soul mate. All of a sudden my plan to go away to boarding school seemed like the most selfish idea in the world. I was so ashamed of myself. I knew Jacob couldn't live without me; I was the center of his universe, and I'd left him without looking back. He was my moon, and I was his earth. We couldn't function apart.

I pushed my dad away from me; I didn't deserve comforting. I started throwing my clothes from the closet into my suitcase, but I was too slow for my own patience. Instead of finishing packing my things, I went for the door and started running for the nearest exit as fast as I could, without it seeming unnatural. Edward was right behind me.

"It's faster to get a plane than it is to run," he whispered loud enough for me to hear, quiet enough for no one else to.

"I don't care!" I yelled and stormed through the door out in the big yard, where the rain was hammering against the dirt, covering everything in mud.

When we reached the forest outside the big building that had been my home for about two months, Edward grabbed my arm and spun me around, taking my hands in his, so I wouldn't get away again.

"I'm serious... If you're going home; take a plane" he insisted.

"No!" I yelled and showed him at the same time, with my unnatural gift. It had been a long time since I'd 'showed' anybody anything. It was obviously still working. And I used Edward's hesitation to explain myself. "I can't sit still on a stupid plane, knowing that he's in pain. That I'm causing him pain!" I was yelling, but the tears made it clear that I wasn't angry with my father. I was angry with myself.

Edward let go of my arm in shock; he didn't know his own daughter could feel so much anger and anguish. I'd never been so mad before. I saw my opportunity and started running again, this time faster than ever. The memory of my first day in school flashed by, like the trees passing me, but interrupted by Jacob's face in even intervals, as crucial as my heartbeat.

_It was early in the morning. There was a sweet scent of the big apple trees shadowing the path leading up to the main entrance, but it was overruled by the blood smell that was burning my throat._

_Many people passed me while I stood there, everyone smelled so delicious, but I would never even consider hurting them. They were people, with families and dreams. They all looked at me like I was a creature from another world, probably because of my beauty. Which was partially true, but they didn't know, so it was really rude. It made me reconsider my decision again.  
_  
Jacob.

__

I'd gotten the idea of this little adventure, when my dad told me about how he once left Esme and Carlisle -his parents- to be on his own for a while. Even though he made it very clear that it was a horrible idea, when he did it, I saw it as a great opportunity to have some time on my own. Explore the world.

_My mom nearly had had a heart attack when I told her about my plans, and that is hard to do to a heart that isn't beating. Then when she found out that it was one of my dad's stories that had inspired me, she was so close to ripping his head off, and she probably would have done it to anyone else than him. _

Jacob?

_Their relationship was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. The way they looked at each other, the affection in their eyes was as clear as a cloudless night. I loved my parents, all of my family, really. The only problem was that they were so far away. Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, Alice, Rosalie and Emmett all lived in Forks, Washington, together with everyone from La Push. And of course Charlie lived there too. _

Jacob!

_I took a deep cleansing breath as my mum had once taught me to do when I was nervous, and walked the last 200 feet to the main entrance. I tried to ignore the glares, and just keep my eyes forward._

_There were a lot of people in the hall, and I instantly held my breath so the burning in my throat wasn't too bad. I didn't like the fact that I was born to drain people of blood, and I didn't do it of course, but I couldn't stop the burning. _

Jacob!

_I found my way to the office further down the hall. There was a big brown desk, and a small secretary was sitting behind it, typing away on her computer.  
"Do you have an appointment" she asked in a high pitched voice._

_"I'm new here" I said hoping she would know what I was supposed to do._

_"Name?" _

_"Renesmee Cullen" I said. "R-e-n-e-s-m-e-e," I spelled, knowing she wouldn't have a chance at spelling it right. The secretary gave me a slightly annoyed look, like it wasn't necessary for me to spell it, and then started hammering away on the keyboard with her long thin fingers. _

Jacob!

_She stopped to look at the screen. _

_"Renesmee Carlie Cullen?" she asked, irritated that I didn't say my full name in case another Renesmee Cullen was starting at the school the exact same day as me. I nodded once. _

_"You're going to live in dorm 165," I cringed a little at the thought of sleeping next to a human. "It's on the second floor. You can ask the students in the hall, they will know where it is." So much for the high service. "Your schedule should be on your bed, and you can ask your roommate for a tour around the school." She smiled a fake smile and looked at the door, clearly showing that I was supposed to leave now._

Jacob!

_I did as she wanted and turned around to walk into the crowded hall. I had no idea who to ask, and I decided I might as well go with the sweetest looking girl. I saw one standing over at a poster. She had her fair hair in a high ponytail, she was alone, and she was smiling a little. _

_"Erhm… Hi," I said a little shy "I'm new here and I'm supposed to find room 165. Do you know where it is?"_

_The girl turned around and looked at me with wide eyes. "I wish I could show you, but my boyfriend will meet me here in just a second, and he hates when I'm late, sorry" she said and turned around to look at the poster again. I took a deep breath and asked her again. _

JACOB!

_"Can you at least tell me which way to go to get to the stairs?" I was still smiling, but I was getting slightly annoyed with the low service level at this place. The girl didn't even look at me when she waved her hand down the hall deeper into the building. _

_It was quieter on the second floor. It was nice, but it also meant that my suitcase was causing a lot of attention. The small wheels were old and made a high screeching noise when I dragged it along. People shot wary glances at me, I pretended I didn't see it and kept on walking. I stopped outside the door that said 165, knocked once and then opened the door._

JACOB!

_The room was smaller than I expected. There were two beds, a closet, a desk and two chairs. The walls were a ghastly red, but I figured that I would get used to it after some time. The boys' rooms were probably a ghastly blue, so it was just as well. Luckily the room also had a big window, so it wasn't so claustrophobic. The big window opened out to the yard surrounded by the school._

**Jacob!**

_The bed standing the closest to the door was already taken, so it was easy to pick mine. I found out my schedule wasn't on my bed as the nice lady in the office had told me. Sarcasm was something I'd picked up from my mother. I considered going down and talking to the secretary, but since it was Sunday, and I didn't feel the need to ruin my mood, I just started unpacking my stuff._

_On the top of all of my things a little envelope was placed. I knew Alice hadn't put it there, and nor had I. I picked it up and read the word on the front. _

'_For you'__, it said in a very familiar handwrite; Jacob, my mind screamed. I felt my legs go soft and I sat down on my bed. Jacob, my mind repeated loudly, and I bit down on my lip, before I opened the envelope to read the letter inside._

**JACOB!**

'_Dear Nessie_  
_I've heard your explanation a thousand times, but I still don't see how this can be a good idea. You said I couldn't come with you, and you wouldn't explain why. I know you better than anyone, and I've always been on your side, but now, I have to disagree with you. A letter might seem a little strange, especially since you won't see it until you arrive, but you've been so busy planning this, that I haven't had the time to talk to you.__  
__My point in this letter is to tell you how much I love you. As a sister, a best friend, a soul mate. And I hope you'll have a nice, no, wonderful trip, and when you come home, that you'll be even happier than before._

_Your one and only_

_- Jake'_

**JACOB!**

**Authors note: **

**Lot of new and bad information! **

**I am deeply sorry that I killed Billy, but my stubborn Nessie had to have a very extreme reason for leaving ):**

**If you hadn't guessed it: The memory was something I wrote as the first chapter, but after I'd written it, I wanted to get on with the story and I just decided to jump to the middle of her school year instead… that's why my writing is slightly different ^_^**

**Did you like my Edward? I'm so afraid he didn't live up to **_**Edward the sexy vamp**_** but he's a dad in this story, remember that (:**

**What do you think will happen next? Will Jake forgive her for not being there? Will he be depressed? How will the reunion go? Will he even be home, or is he outside the school like he maybe was last night? What about the funeral? Try to guess (;**

**As always… REVIEW! I know many of you do it, and I love you for that. I know you might think "I don't have anything to say," but I don't care, you can write the shortest thing ever, and I will still be happy :D If I don't get enough reviews, I might stop writing, so yeah; R-E-V-I-E-W!**

**Next chapter on Friday ^^**

**-The Author ^_^**


	7. Chapter 7 Hopelessness JPOV

**Chapter 7: Hopelessness (JPOV)**

_**Jacob's point of view**_

_Can't you stop thinking about Nessie for one tiny second? I'm turning gay over here _Leah complained in my head. I rolled my eyes and kept my path. It was a good question though; could I stop thinking about Renesmee for one second? No, it would be impossible, her face lit up my mind all day long; she was a guiding light, my guiding light. Sometimes she would blind me momentarily, if she touched me for example or if she laughed. Her laugh had always fascinated me, a siren calling through the dark; and now I couldn't hear it because she was gone, away having a good time on boarding school with some guy named William. Ugh.

_Talk about turning gay, can't you stop thinking about Joseph?_ I heard Embry ask, and I laughed with him. I wasn't a strong leader, not someone you feared, and that was an important part of our pack. I didn't even call it 'my' pack. No one called it that, we were "The Alaskan pack", or "The Elks" as Paul called us. A simultaneous hate was sent Paul's way as Leah and Embry read my thoughts.

_At least I'm dating someone!_ I heard her bark back. Even though she hadn't meant it that way, I didn't even know if she was talking to me, it still hurt and I slowed down momentarily. Renesmee didn't feel that way about me, and that was fine. I was totally cool with it, but when she started dating, well, the thought just freaked me out. And not because I was afraid to share her; I was afraid he'd break her heart. I sped up quickly again so I wouldn't fall behind in the pattern we'd spent months developing. Vampires rarely passed by, but we were still ready for an attack every hour of the day.

_You've known the guy for what, 4 days?_ Embry snorted. I should really stop them now, but I didn't really care. Arguments weren't rare in our pack, because it didn't bother me, and the others found it fun.

_A month tomorrow precisely now you're asking._ Leah said and sounded proud of having remembered it. Since she'd imprinted she'd become too goofy and her sarcasm had faded immensely. I liked her better before.

_I heard that!_ She shouted and I winced by the harshness in her tone. Joseph was a touchy subject to her, and even the slightest negative thing about him could cause death. She'd once been so close to breaking Seth in half – he'd mentioned her and Joseph's loudness at night – I'd had to literally hold her back myself. Thank God, I was stronger than her.

_Isn't your shift up soon, Leah?_ I asked and exhaled in relief as I saw through her eyes how close she was to her and Seth's apartment: She couldn't refuse.

_Coward_ I heard her say before she disappeared from my mind. Usually we would race to a certain big pine three when we were arguing – a rule I'd made because I'd gotten tired of the conflicts in our pack; the one that won would get to be right for a day. Then the next day we started over again. But I wasn't a coward; I just didn't feel like racing right now. I never did, not when Nessie wasn't there rooting for me.

I sighed and sped up as I raced east toward Canada, where the next turn in the huge pattern was. My paws thudded, my nose sniffed, my tongue lolled and my wolf body snaked along through the sea of trees. A squirrel jumping past the path I was taking looked at me with its round black eyes, ears pointed up towards the sky. Fear; that was what my exterior caused. Whether I was a wolf or a human, as wolf everyone feared me because of my immensity and big teeth. As a human everyone feared me because of my muscles and the tortured expression, which had become a part of me lately.

_Jake, _Embry sighed and turned around where he was to run towards me.

I hadn't even noticed how far past the usual corner I'd come. My guiding light had guided me this way. My siren had lured me into forbidden land. Canada was closer than ever, Renesmee was closer than ever.

_Don't even think about it! _Embry yelled and sped up.

I did think about it, but I turned around too. My pack needed me, or so I'd like to think, because if they didn't I wouldn't have been able to stop myself seconds ago. Would Renesmee loath me if I came and visited her? Or would she jump into my arms and kiss me and…

_Why, oh why haven't I imprinted yet? I want to know how one person can turn you into a romantic gentleman and Leah into a goofy passionate teenager._ Embry moaned. His tone sounded like he was kidding, but underneath a dream of true love was hiding.

_True love my wolf butt,_ Embry said and chuckled as he sped up and drowned out my thoughts.

Leah's mind came back and I heard Embry moan loudly. _What now? Did Joseph meet you halfway with red roses and a card that said I love you in his sweet adorable handwriting?_ Embry asked and rolled his eyes.

_No, I…_ her thought was interrupted by another suggestion from Embry, this time involving white horses and guitar play. I didn't pay attention, because I was trying to hear Leah's thoughts. The name: Billy kept coming up.

_Shut up!_ She growled at him, she hadn't moved position; she was waiting for us to join her.

Embry was starting to get on my nerves as he babbled on about how Joseph hadn't showed up on a white horse.

_Shut up, Embry!_ I ordered and instantly everything went quiet in his head.

_What's up, Leah?_ I asked as I met her in the small meadow right outside her apartment, where we always met up, when we were wolves. Embry was there too, but he was silent, and seemed offended by my lack of teasing of Leah.

Something seemed odd about her. A stripe of darker grey colored the fur right under her eyes, and I could see her eyes were blank. A huge tear the size of a baseball rolled from her right eye down her cheek and watered the soil underneath her. Leah was not one who cried. What was going on?

I felt my legs buckle under me as I read her thoughts: _Billy's dead._

The energy and hope seeping out of me like the air out of a balloon made me transform back to human even though I wanted to stay wolf. I was only half aware of everything going on around me; the rest was blur and people asking how I felt. Words could not describe how I felt: Broken, miserable, like I'd been hit by lighting a billion times and then a trillion times more right in the heart.

_No!_ I needed to be a leader; to stand tall when everyone else was down. I rose only trembling the slightest, and looked at Leah and Embry. Seth had joined too, I noticed, as I put on a pair of cut-offs Embry was holding out for me. They were all in their human form.

"Are you alright?"Leah asked. Her dark eyes filled with tears as her human figure sent me a long pitiful frown.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I said, but my eyes would disagree, so I quickly looked down.

"Jake, I…" she started, and her hand touched my shoulder in comfort.

I shook it off as interrupted her in a harsh tone: "I'm fine!"

I stalked off towards the woods and the house that Nessie used to call home. I heard them talk behind me, Seth spoke: "I think you should talk to him"

"Me?" Embry asked a little surprised.

"You're his best friend," Seth explained.

"No…" Embry said quietly, but still loud enough for me to hear, "Renesmee is"

"If you want talk to him, I will," Seth said in the stubborn tone he always used when his mind was set. His footsteps came closer but we were out hearing range of the others before he caught up with me.

"I don't want to talk, Seth," I said in an annoyed voice.

"I don't believe you. When Harry died…" he started his lecture, but I stopped him before he got really into it.

"This is not like when Harry died. This is my only parent dying. The last time I saw him was one month ago. I didn't get to say goodbye, because I thought: _I'll probably see him soon._ I have lived alone with him almost all my life. He is one of the few people who know me deep down. He was, but isn't any more, because he's dead!" I'd half whispered all the words except for the last one.

I stalked off with Seth too blown away too follow. That was good. I needed to be alone at the place I was going. The place I found most comfort. The place that I eagerly wished wouldn't be empty when I arrived. The place that I had shared the most tears with. Renesmee's room.

The window was open, just like I'd left it this morning when I went for patrol. The white floor long silk curtains were blowing in the breeze. I opened the window like I'd done so many times before, and crawled inside. The huge king sized bed under the window softened my drop. A few of the 21 – yes, I counted them once – small decorating pillows fell to the floor. They were all different shades of blue, and even though I was a guy, I found them quiet cute. Then again everything I said about Renesmee was positive.

It wasn't until I sat down at her desk filled with pictures of Edward, Bella, Me, Her, Esme, Carlisle, Charlie, Leah, Seth, Embry everybody that I realized I was lonely. My father was dead. Right now he would be lying on a bed with forever closed eyes.

"Billy's dead…" I heard Edward whisper somewhere in the house.

Silence.

Memories from my childhood – me sitting in his lap in his wheel chair him telling the legends, watching him work on the old red Ford in the garage barely big enough for the both of us and a car, the day the doctors confirmed he had diabetes, when he told me about mom's death, mom's funeral – They circled around in my head, fighting against my strong façade.

This was all too much. I felt like screaming, but who should I scream at? Instead of crawling out through the window, I took the door. I barely noticed the shocked faces of Bella and Edward as I for the first time in a long time stalked through their living room and out the front door.

"Oh no, Charlie" I heard Bella's voice shrill in the house behind me as she realized what this meant. Charlie would be crushed. After retiring Charlie and Billy had spent every day together fishing, talking and visiting Sue. Now he would be alone, with nothing to get him up in the morning.

"I have to talk to Carlisle… can you get to Forks yourself?" asked Edward, his voice was weak but determined. It would have angered me that he was leaving her, but right now I didn't have emotion enough to take care of Bella too.

"Of course…" she said and continued with a lot of declarations of love. I tuned them out and started running.

I was heading for La Push, and even though I knew I would regret it, I transformed. It was easy to transform and I loved being a wolf, that wasn't what I would regret. I would regret that the others were now able to read my thoughts.

_Jake, are we going to LaPush?_ Embry asked in a serious voice, because he knew that was how I preferred things when I was sad or angry.

_I'm going to LaPush to arrange the funeral_, I answered just as monotonous.

No one said anything as we all headed south, but the longing for home echoed through all of our thoughts. Embry had recently been home, but Seth, Leah and I hadn't been home for a month. My home would be empty of course, so was it really that much of a home?

I had to get there fast, that was certain. I needed to get to the hospital; Carlisle would make sure I'd get to see him before he was moved away. He knew my mind better than me, and he knew I wanted to see him. Most people felt the opposite, but I didn't and he knew it. I was positive.

I realized Seth, Leah and Embry were following me to the hospital, and felt bad. They shouldn't see Billy like that, only I was supposed to do that.

_Are you sure you can handle this? _Leah asked, as all three of them started slowing down.

_Yes,_ I answered and transformed back to human. This was a painful state, emotions were stronger and it was easier to buckle under pressure, but I was strong as a human, and felt that way until I stood in the waiting room of the hospital.

I bit down hard on my lip, as I left again, this time on the verge of tears. Home, I needed to go home, I convinced myself. The forest was too quiet; the trees were too dark; the sky was too gray; the soil was too brown; everything was wrong! Why was everything wrong? I started running still in my human form, and as I did so my heart started beating, longing for home.

My brain tried to tell it that it was just a house that it would be empty that I would be alone there, but my heart wouldn't listen. What a stupid heart!

My house was visible behind the trees and I slowed down. The lights were on, and shone weakly through the faded curtains that covered the windows. It seemed like a house where something nice was going on; a family eating dinner together talking about how their day was. A couple sitting in the couch the man rubbing his pregnant girlfriend's stomach and feeling like he was the most privileged man in the world. An old man and woman listening to the radio and talking about how great life was back in the days. But nothing was happening in there, and that touched me deeply.

I opened the unlocked door – it hadn't been locked since the day I tried opening it with a needle, as seen on TV, and it broke – and then stepped inside the familiar room.

I stood there in the middle of the room as I took in everything I saw. The dishes were still piled up in the sink, as if somebody was home to take care of it right away. The right away that never came. The old painting on the wall behind the dinner table still hung crooked, because I'd never kept the promise I made of fixing it. He would never get to see it hanging perfectly.

My back was turned to the door, so when something smashed open the door I turned around to see the face I missed the most hurdling towards me. Her hair had grown an inch since the last time and was now covering her eyes a little bit. Her cheeks were wet and red, just like her eyes. Her skinny jeans shaped her in a magnificent way, and her dark green tank top suited her just as well. Everything suited her. She was really here. My love. Renesmee!

**Authors note:**

**Jacob's point of view… certainly not the best thing I've written so far, but I just had to include this, because some of you have been asking what he was doing while Renesmee was in Canada, so this is a tiny bit of it according to me :D Also I wrote this in a week, which means I haven't had much time for editing, many typos will be seen.**

**I didn't give you the full reunion but a huge cliffhanger, ugh, I'm a horrible person xD Bare with me, next chapter will be the reunion from our favorite hybrids point of view ^_^**

**Someone has been asking why I don't upload more often and I have one answer to that: I don't have time! I won't have time to finish a whole chapter(5 pages in word) in half a week :O So, yeah… every Friday ^^**

**Review! One button! One Sentence! I would love to hear from you. Also I do take your advice in account; if you don't feel that way, please tell me. And if you don't feel like writing on the review-wall, write to me in the message box-thing :D**

**Ich liebe dich! Te amo! ****I love you! Jeg elsker dig! ****(Sorry, I don't know any other way to say I love you)**

**-The Author(sarcasticchocolate :p)**


	8. Chapter 8 The Reunion

**THIS chapter starts from where Renesmee's story stopped. Not from where Jacob's did :D And… read:**

**Chapter 8: Reunited**

****My mind kept screaming his name, dragging me into unhappiness, like it was trying to drown me. I tried focusing on the trees passing me, but it was harder than I would have assumed. The metaphor Jacob had described in his letter, made more sense now than ever. I could feel I was getting closer to Jacob minute by minute, second by second. I wondered if he could feel it too. He probably couldn't though; he was too miserable to notice.

I heard the sound of my father's feet next to me, but he didn't try to stop me now, he just followed. He knew I was a stubborn girl, and he knew what love could do to you.

I was running south west towards Forks. Jacob would be home in La Push, taking care of the funeral.

The thought of Billy dead, seemed impossible - his leathery skin close to pale, his dark deep eyes closed or maybe open but dead inside, his constantly sitting body suddenly laid out on a white hospital bed. The thought of his funeral was not even something I could think about; it was just not an option. Compared to my sparkling family and shape shifting friends, he still seemed like the most likely to be immortal. But he wasn't, apparently.

We ran for a few hours before we reached the US border. When we reached Cook, Michigan I ran into the airport, finding the first plane tickets to Seattle. I had to take a plane if I wanted to get there fast. And even though I'd refused to do it when he'd asked, my dad was right next to me the entire time, not asking any questions just following. He could have been my security bodyguard.

Luck was on my side; a plane was leaving for Seattle in half an hour, which meant I didn't have much time to think. I bought two tickets and went on the plane right after. Only 3 and a half hours and I could run all the way to La Push.

When I was seated, it felt like time stopped. The seconds passed by as quickly as hours. So when the steward started on the safety instructions, I felt the need to break something. Who didn't know those by now? Exits in the middle, back and front, oxygen above, help yourself before others, luggage in the compartments above, orange vests under the seats if we for some reason flying over land, would crash in the nonexistent water. I crossed my arms and felt my jaw shoot forward in frustration. Outside the ground started moving and after eons the steward finished and we were ready to take off. Finally.

I was quiet on the plane, and my father sat completely still next to me except for stroking my arm mechanically. His thoughts were probably occupied with the thought of my mom's face at the moment. Jacob was one of her best friends and Billy and her dad were the closest of friends, no question she was suffering too. My dad was craving for my mom almost as much as I was craving for Jacob.

I felt my dad's hand on mine, and realized I'd been forming a print of my nails in my upper arm, because of my anxiousness. I uncrossed my arms and took my father's hand in mine. "Sleep, sweetie. Tomorrow will be a long and emotional day," he said in an endearing voice, while his free hand stroked some hair away from my face.

"It's strange" I said, and closed my eyes, leaning my head back, "On one hand I want to wake up in my dorm room like any other day, and realizing all of this was just a dream…" I paused to think my next words through, "But on the other hand I want this to be reality; to be on my way home, to see all of you again, to sleep in my own bed, everything! And I know it sounds so selfish, because Billy's dead for crying out loud, but I just have a hard time imagining going back to Canada again," I said and opened my eyes to see if he was even listening, and what  
his response was.

"Maybe you just want to wake up before you decided to go away. Realize all of this was a dream, that you never left us," he suggested.

"No…" I answered deliberately, "Because then I wouldn't have gotten the experience, or gotten to know Ally, or been on a date with Luke, or met William," I sighed, William would be devastated to hear I was gone. Or at least, I'd like to think he would.

"You were dating?" my dad was now an authority, and clearly not happy about his recent discovery. Oops.

"Yeah, but it ended in total chaos and he was a jerk," I said and closed my eyes again. Tiredness overwhelmed me like a wave.

He read my thoughts and saw how Luke kissed me and I'd hurt him. "He kissed you without your permission?" He asked trying to sound casual, but a hint of outrage hovered underneath.

"I'm sleeping, dad" I answered in a mumbling voice, though that wasn't completely true. It would be soon though.

The sound of my dad's voice woke me up. "We're here" he said with no hint of emotion. I opened my eyes, and saw that the plane was tilted slightly forward, ready to land. My dad's hand was resting on the armrest between us. I took it in mine and showed him my anxiety, he responded with a quick squeeze.

We were the first to leave the plane, almost running for the exit. The annoying steward slowed us down once again, insisting on shaking our hands, but I made sure he regretted it by showing him a quick picture of my recent nightmare. My dad laughed despite of himself.

It was all up to me now; I decided how fast I wanted to see Jacob. The answer was obvious; I wanted to see him now. To make that happen I had to sprint, no looking back, only forward. So that's what I did.

The tears streamed down my face as we got closer and closer to Forks. I knew Jacob would be in La Push where the funeral probably would take place. I didn't bother to look when I crossed roads; if a car hit me, I wouldn't be the one dying. My father still didn't change his expression; he didn't plan to find Jacob: his thoughts were my mom's only.

We parted when he headed for Charlie's house where mom would be, and I continued my way to La Push.

The last mile I didn't think about anything else than Jacob. I was going to make him happy, if it was the last thing I did. When I saw the familiar red house, I sprinted even faster than I thought possible. I could see Jacob through the yellow curtains in the window. He didn't know I was on my way that I would be with him in a second. One tiny second and we would be in the same room. A thought I hoped my dad was too busy to notice flashed by in my mind. It should be illegal for teenage girls to have a mindreading father.

I didn't know if I ran right through the door or if I opened it at first, the only thing I noticed was how sad his face was when he turned around, to see who the intruder was, and then my lips were glued to his. First he was hesitant, his lips hard and pursed, then when he realized what was happening his lips went soft and started moving with mine. It was like our lips had been separated at birth and were now finally reunited. I knew it was wrong to kiss him in a moment like this, but why did it feel so right then? And why did he respond this passionately? I didn't think about anything, my body did everything by itself:

My hands which before had been placed on his hips found their way up his back past his neck and up to his head – I had to stand on my toes to reach - where they buried themselves deep in his black shaggy hair. His didn't move the same way as mine; one was pushing the small of my back closer to him, the other stroking me from the cheek to my collarbone, raising goose bumps when touching my skin. It was weird; he was one of the only persons as hot as me, and the only one giving me chills.

I gasped for air, but swiftly continued the kiss with – if possible – even more passion and eagerness. Even though it felt like our bodies were melted together, I still felt like I needed to be closer to him. I wanted to be one with him, to never let him go.

He obviously felt the same; because his hand previously stroking my cheek, found its way down to the back of my thigh and so did the other. I didn't understand what he was doing, but my body did and I hopped up, wounding my legs around his waist, and lay my arms on his shoulders not once letting go of his silky lips.

This was what a kiss should feel like: electrifying, dizzying, smooth, amazing and right. My emotions overwhelmed me and a salty taste mixed with our kiss. Tears had been a strange casualty to me lately, but now they felt more meaningful and I knew that this would forever be one of the most significant moments in my life.

The kiss drifted to an end as our movements slowed together with my tears. I felt my hands gliding from his hair down to his face where they placed themselves on each cheek. My head pulled away, separating my lips from his slowly. He placed a butterfly kiss on my nose before he too pulled away. I looked into his big brown eyes and he looked back in mine.

We didn't speak, didn't move. He stared for a little longer than normal without blinking, before tears became visible in his eyes. His lips trembled with sadness, and my hands loosened their grip on his face. I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him close, comforting Jacob, was the only thing that mattered in my universe right now. He cried into my shoulder and I cried into his, still with my legs wrapped around his muscular torso.

I still hadn't decided if we were still friends or if we had crossed the line to boyfriend and girlfriend. It was a blur point, and it didn't need to be cleared up right now. I wasn't sure if kissing was something we did now, or if it was a onetime occasion. I admit I wouldn't stop him if he felt like kissing me, but did that mean we were together? It was definitely something I would have to have cleared up at an appropriate time. And that time was not now, that was clear, even through the gallons of tears filling my eyes.

After an immeasurable moment – it could have been seconds or days - someone knocked on the door. I let go of Jacob for an instant, releasing my grip with my legs and standing next to him, but only to grab his hand right after. He wiped the tears away from his face with the back of his hand.

"Come in" he said with a broken voice. He cleared his throat and took a deep breath; he was trying to keep up his image as the leader of the pack.

The door opened slowly and a familiar boyish head peeked inside. It was Seth, but he looked wrong with the tortured expression that covered his face. The emotions that ran over his face when he saw me were first shock, then happiness, then sorrow again when he remembered Jacob and why I was here.

"Hi Nessie" he said and walked over to hug me. It was a little awkward hugging him while holding Jake's hand, but I managed without letting go.

"Rebecca is on her way from the airport, but Sue will take care of that…" it was weird to hear him call his own mother Sue, but I guess that was him taking responsibility now that Jake was incapable of running the pack. "Carlisle told me to tell you that if you want to visit the hospital, you have to be there by 4 pm. And Leah said that you don't need to worry about the pack; she will handle everything pack related," he said in an informative tone. "And remember… We're here for you; every single person here is ready to help if you need anything. No request is too big… I mean we got Nessie" he finished and smiled at me.

"I won't leave your side" I whispered and rubbed my thumb against the outside of his hand.

"Thank you, Seth" Jacob said – his voice was still rough and you could easily hear he'd been crying – then he added: "And thank Carlisle, Leah and Sue too, would you?"

Seth nodded once, smiled at me, and then closed the door behind him as he exited the small house.

Silence boomed from the walls when Seth was gone. The lack of the familiar squeaking of Billy's wheelchair driving over the bleached wooden floor, created a lump in my throat. I couldn't think of anything to say. Was Billy the right topic? Maybe a light small talk to ease the tension. I had no idea.

"I got your letter," Jacob said, probably in an attempt to start the casual conversation, I'd been afraid to have.

"And?" I asked.

"It was good," he answered like I'd started the topic and he didn't find it interesting.

"Good?" I asked. One word sentences were a good way of hiding my insecurity.

"Sounds like boarding school is a dream" his dismissal tone was irritating me.

'Click', it said as I realized what he was on about. "That's what this is about?" I asked and a fresh tear ran down my cheek which was now red of anger. "You think I've had a splendid time?" I was furious and Jacob stunned.

"Haven't you?" He tried to ask but I interrupted him. 

"I spent the first week crying my eyes out, because I felt homesick. That easily destroyed all my chances of ever getting friends." I yelled in anger.

He took advantage of the silence when I took a deep breath: "But you said you…"

I interrupted him again: "Yes, I did in fact have friends. But then I went on a double date in the national museum of history with all the stupid animals. Did you know they have four stuffed wolves; one sand-colored, one grey, one black and one brown? Just. like. your. freaking. pack?" I asked and pointed at him. "I didn't! And while looking at them my date decided to scare me! I then tried to run away, but my friend, Ally, convinced me to stay. Then when we were at home we went into their room where my date kissed me! So I pushed him down on the floor where he almost broke his spine! So yeah, I totally still have friends!" My temper flared and my breath came out in small gasps.

He once again tried to interrupt me, but I didn't let him. "Yes, I know, what about William?" it didn't sound like a question the way I screamed it in his face, "He probably hates me too, after I told him to say something to Julie, who turned him down. Then when he needed me the most, I decided to go home without any kind of warning, because…" I stopped, because I knew I would soon say something I would regret.

I also knew it was extremely unfair to yell at him like this, but I just couldn't hold it back anymore. And he was the only person that I could tell anything. Almost. I was standing in the middle of the room my breast aching as my anger turned into guilt. I lowered my arms that I had been throwing around trying to make a point. "I love you" I mumbled and once again I started crying.

Jacob crossed the room and laid his huge warm arms around me. "I love you too" he mumbled in my hair, raising goose bumps down my neck.

"I know" I said and shrugged, before a laugh escaped my lips.

He laughed and pulled away from the hug; he didn't have time for hugging. He took a deep breath before he talked, "I need to talk to Leah before I go to the hospital. Are you staying or coming?"

"Coming," I said and grabbed his hand reassuringly. I would not let go easily, that was for sure.

**Authors Note:  
This is not the last chapter, if that's what you thought ^^**

**I know this was like you had expected, fairytale ending and all that. But as I said it's not the end, and they still haven't had "the talk" ^_^**

**Thank you so much for your reviews, and for not abandoning me because I killed Billy! Shit happens, as the wonderful saying goes :D**

**If you have any twilight-loving friends, you could maybe perhaps tell them about this story? Just a thought :I**

**Review and review and if you have time… review! The button is right down there… just press it, write one sentence, and press send. It will make my day! (;**

**I LOVE you; you give me some confidence in my writing, which is necessary, so THANK you so much! C:**

**-The Author ^_^**


	9. Chapter 9 Denial

**The 5 stages of grief**

**Chapter 9: Denial**

Sue met us in the doorway to the Clearwater house, her face twisted into a mask of pain as she saw Jacob, what I assumed would be the first time since the accident. Had there even been an accident? I'd forgotten to ask dad how he'd died. That was a big mistake because I did not feel like it would be a good question to ask Jacob. No matter who I asked, I would seem like an idiot, I realized with regret. Sue's expression didn't change much when she saw me hiding behind Jacob – maybe she was too upset - but she padded my back as we passed her.

It seemed, like the Clearwater's was the hip place to hang out, because the kitchen was full of the familiar brown skin, jet black hair and abnormally big males. Claire was in her usual spot - sitting on Quill – while he was slowly stroking her long curly hair. She had just turned ten; I realized and shook my head in disbelief. How could she possibly be ten? She was a toddler! Or had been, I guess. Time passed by too quickly for mortals. Just like with Billy.

Next to Quil was Jared with Kim's head resting on his shoulder and his arm swung lightly around her waist. Kim's bangs were gone and in replace a big mane of hair down her back had formed. She looked beautiful the way her skin stretched across her cheekbones and her eyes were wet and reflected how solemn she was.

Jared looked as old as Sam now, because he had made the impossible choice of not changing anymore. He'd given it up just to be with Kim. She was still older than him, but it was only about 3 year's difference. The things an imprinter would do were insane. I remembered talking to Emily about it, and she told me about how Sam had asked her billions of times if he should give up his wolf self. She'd said no every time, because like me, she knew how much this meant. An alpha should not give up on his pack.

If I'd have to guess, I didn't think Jared had asked Kim if he should stop changing. He'd just assumed it was what she wanted, which it probably was in the end. If he'd asked her, she would like me and Emily have said no. She was a good person, and loved Jared almost as much as he loved her.

Sam wasn't here, but Emily was and so were their kids: Monique and Josh. M.J. - as they also were referred to- were playing on the floor and had grown so much since my last visit. Monique was already 4 and Josh must've recently turned 1½. They both fit perfectly in this community with their russet skin, that despite of their youth looked worn and a bit leathery. Monique's hair haloed her face and she was pretty already. At 14 she would be supermodel potential, just like her mother had once been. Now her mother's face was vandalized by three huge scars. They were a reminder of the danger we all acknowledged, but ignored when were near wolves.

Rachel – Jacob's sister – sat next to Emily with her hand securely placed inside both of Paul's. She was shaking slightly because of the sobs that escaped from her chest and broke the silence. Paul's eyebrows were pulled together and his eyes were constantly seeking Rachel's for some kind of answer. It was useless; she kept crying and his frown deepened.

Jake and I stood in the middle of the room rather awkwardly. They'd all smiled at me in subtle manor, and I felt a little rejected. For some reason I'd thought they would at least have said hi or hugged me. The way Seth had handled it was right, according to me. The way they were handling it was rude. But then again: They'd just lost their chief.

Then Emily spoke in her elegant and now glum voice: "I'm so truly sorry, Jake. Not one of us saw this coming. If we did we would have contacted you. It was so sudden," a sob broke free from her chest, and she buried her face in her hands. Kim rubbed her back and whispered some assurances in her ear.

I wasn't really paying attention to them but to Jacob, whose expression hadn't changed the slightest by her comment or actions.

"Don't be sorry, I'm fine," he said dismissively and smiled. He smiled? What was wrong with him? He wasn't "fine". He was horrible! He was miserable! Why was he trying to man up like this? Because my mind was screaming so loud, my grip on my thoughts wasn't strong enough and I accidently _showed_ him some of it.

I expected him to be sad, to maybe let go of his shield and tell them how sad he was. But no, he only smiled at me and padded the top of my hand with his free hand. I was utterly confused.

The others looked confused too, but none of them said anything. Not even his sister, who had some kind of responsibility now she was the second oldest in the family.

"And that counts for all of you: I'm fine. Don't say sorry." Jacob said as Jared started to say something.

A nod ran through the crowd and then nobody spoke.

Not until Jacob had something to say: "Where's Leah?"

"She's running patrol" Embry said and peeked out from the kitchen where he'd apparently been hiding. My guess would be that the imprinting-mood was just a tad too high in this room. "If you need to say something to her, I can easily pass it on" he added, and stepped in to the living room, volunteering.

"Just tell her to tell you guys that I'm not expecting any of you to run patrol. I won't be anyway" he said. He didn't like going for long without being a wolf, and I knew that, but in this case, things were better if he stayed human for a while.

It would be better for the others too, because sharing thoughts with a son who just lost his father would be devastating. Of course if he really was as happy as a squirrel like he pretended to be, sharing thoughts with him would be like a day on the beach. In fact I'd love to borrow some of his happiness for a time. I was devastated and bewildered.

"I will" Embry answered and leaned against the wall since there were no free seats left.

"I'm sorry for the short visit, but we have to go to the hospital," Jacob said, and out he went with me trying to catch up with his sudden actions and emotions.

He started walking up the road to get to his house and car. I knew what I wanted to say, but the words were stuck somewhere unreachable. In an attempt to get time to talk this through, I suggested something: "What about if we walk to the hospital." He shot a confused look my way. "It's not that far, and I need some fresh air" I was a horrible liar, but Jacob couldn't say no to me without a very good reason.

"Yeah, let's walk" he said and turned to walk straight through the forest instead of continuing up the road. I followed right behind him with my hand in his.

The forest was full of life, but none of the animals dared to come close. We were a threat to them, and their instincts told them to stay away. To be honest I was a little hungry and if a deer decided to cross our path I would probably not be able to control my instincts. So it was good call to stay far away.

When was the last time I ate anything? One day ago? More? I couldn't recall.

Thinking of my hunger made my stomach growl and my throat burn. That was a very annoying part of being a hybrid: Both stomach and throat demanded constant attention. Ignoring it was possible, but not preferable. And we were in the forest, so why not?

_Because his dad just died!_ My heart yelled at me, and then the internal discussion begun. My brain versus my heart. And epic battle that ended surprisingly today: My mind won, but on the compromise that I would ask nicely. "I know it's very inappropriate but I haven't eaten for so long and…" I trailed of, because I didn't know how to end my sentence.

Jacob looked at me as he answered: "Same here. I haven't eaten since I found out," he said to my surprise. "Two seconds." And then he was gone.

The waiting was long enough to remind me of the moment right before I found out about my feelings for him: That day I was joking friendly about how long it took for him. That would seem strange now. I thought about mentioning the déjà vu, but decided not to. He had plenty to deal with already, and thinking of how weird he handled that, well, let's just say it was better to stay quiet.

He came back as the fury wolf I loved more than most persons I knew. His big round eyes looked a little tortured, but when I tried to ask he just shook his big head. I scratched him behind his ear, but it didn't help.

I tried asking again, but got the same shake with the head.

"Killing time!" I yelled to distract myself and started running towards a rapid heartbeat that I - even though I hadn't hunted for months - could tell was most definitely a deer. My favorite food.

I forgot about Jacob, about Billy, about my parents, about myself, about everything! The adrenalin pulsed through my veins and I sped up as I got closer to the mouthwatering smell of blood.

The deer didn't register me before it was too late. My teeth were buried deep in its muscular neck when it looked at me with big accusing eyes. Stupid Bambi movie had almost ruined hunting trips for me. The guilt wasn't that bad, but mostly because I was distracted by the rightness of the blood flowing down my throat and into my hollow stomach.

I drained it in less than a minute and when I was done I padded my stomach in satisfaction. A laugh came from behind me, and when I turned around I saw Jacob leaned up against the trunk of an oak his arms crossed over his bare chest.

"Did you already finish?" I asked, and wiped some blood from my mouth with the back of my sleeve. It was ruined by sweat, tears and dirt already, so a little blood wouldn't make any difference.

"Sure" he said and headed for the hospital once again. "But enough of the fun… I really need to take care of some stuff." The light tone was still there but underneath I could hear the smallest of uncertainty. What he was uncertain about, I was not sure of, but I guessed that it had something to do with Billy.

I caught up with him and took his hand in mine. I didn't show him anything, I just felt the electric sparks that the touch of his skin created. I didn't know if he could feel it too, but I could not see how it was possible for him to not notice.

We were quiet as we walked; only our footsteps breaking branches and crunching leaves on the ground made a small sound. I wanted to ask him about the smiles, but like before I didn't know what to say. I think I opened my mouth a few times, but I always closed it again right away.

"You can just ask" Jake said after a while and I looked at him a little confused. "Just ask what ever question you've been trying to ask the last 10 minutes" Had it only been 10 minutes? I could have sworn it'd been hours.

"I don't have any questions" I lied and sped up a little.

"Please," he said and caught up with me.

"What?"

"You have at least one question for me, don't you?"

"Yeah," I admitted. I would be horrible under torture. One of his glances and I would admit the biggest of lies. "It's just because you seem like… like you aren't… sad… or angry or anything" And there came regret. Why had I just said that? I was supposed to be quiet and supportive, not critical and strict. The assumption that I was the best to take care of Jake in a time like this was not working. I could keep trying, and I would god knew I would, but I would not make any improvement.

He had always been the supporter, and he was good at it: The best. He'd taught me to be patient with life and other people. A thing I'd never told him, but I knew it was him who'd taught me so. His constant patience with me had infected me. I felt a need to say thank you, but realized he knew nothing about my minds recent conversation.

"I am sad" he answered with no hint of emotion, and the topic was closed as soon as it'd been opened. I sighed but kept quiet.

"I'm fine," I heard Jake say in an almost cheerful voice for the fifth time, as one of the nurses asked us how we were "holding up". I was like Jacob's shadow; I hadn't let go of his hand, hadn't said a word, hadn't done anything else than smiling quickly when people greeted us, since we'd arrived at the hospital.

"Good" the nurse said in a sugar sweet voice and smiled a pity smile. If I ever let go of Jake's hand my first mission would be to ban pity smiles by law.

The nurse had followed us down the bright white halls of the hospital. The unique sounds of a hospital buzzed from the walls. Beep, Beep, Beep. It was a bit hypnotizing the way it never stopped. Then she'd showed us into the room and shoved the two chairs we were now sitting in over by the side of the white bed.

She left and silence enclosed the room. I was shifting my gaze between Jacob and the floor, in a quite paranoid way, like I was afraid I was being watched. The truth was I was avoiding looking at Billy. I was afraid it would overwhelm me. That it would be too much, and that I would break down and make all of this harder on his son.

I took a deep breath and prepared myself to talk to Jacob, but as soon as I got the courage, my voice was gone. I wanted to ask him if it was bad, if they had closed his eyes, if he looked dead or if he just looked like he was sleeping.

I could _show_ him the question, but I was afraid it might shock him, in a way that would send him over the edge.

I was having an inner debate as we sat there, in a chair each staring into the nothingness that was the wall across from where we were sitting. It then came to my mind that Billy would never know this; he would never know how his death had broken his son in so many pieces he was going crazy. He would never know that his death was the reason I came home. He would never know if Jake and I ended up together, because he would never wake up, never ever. I felt a tear run down my left cheek and land softly on my jeans; it was too late now, I could just as well sneak a peek.

The picture in my mind had been close, too close. He reminded me of one of the animals I'd drained of blood during one of my hunting trips. The deer I'd killed only minutes ago had looked better than Billy. It was absolutely horrifying. I swallowed the lump that had magically appeared in my throat. Jake heard.

**As you can see from the title, the next 5 chapters will be named after the 5 stages of grief, and as you can also see the first is denial. That's why he says he's fine and stuff… get it? That's also why this chapter ends so suddenly: Jacob's emotions change.**

**I hope you like "meeting" all the Quileute's, and that you like my changes (Jared stopped wolfing, Emily and Sam have two kids and so on). **

**Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie, Esme and Carlisle will all appear in the next chapter, and I will reveal a secret you didn't know about one of them :D **

**Review, please. I'm so close to 50 reviews… make it happen, please! :D**

**I know they didn't kiss or anything, which you might have expected, so if you think that's stupid… tell me in a review :D**

**Chapter 10(holy toast, that's a lot of chapters!) on Friday :D**

**Bye!**

**-The Author **


	10. Chapter 10 Anger

**Chapter 10: Anger**

"Why haven't they even closed his eyes" Jacob suddenly fumed and jumped out of his chair, causing it to fall back and make a huge crashing noise. My eyes opened wide and looked at him with disbelieve. He was not a drama queen, and throwing tantrums was not one of his specialties. "Why is it that every single person I love leaves me?" he exclaimed and looked at me outraged.

"I don't know" I mumbled and looked at my hand that weren't in his anymore.

"It's unfair and stupid! Ugh! I could just kill something right now!" I could see him starting to tremble and panic streamed through me. Trembling meant transformation. Transformation meant huge werewolf in the small hospital room. Bad idea.

Panic did nothing good for me, and without noticing I was standing in front of him my lips sealed on his for the second time today. Damn it! I should be illegal; I was a monster when I didn't think. Now he definitely thought I wanted to be more than friends. And how would a kiss help anything? The only thing a kiss would do was make him even more confused, and that was not a good thing.

He didn't respond the way I thought he would – responding passionetly like our first kiss - instead he pushed me away, threw his arms up in the air in frustration and stormed out on the hall and out of the hospital. I ran after him in human speed, but when I got to the forest behind the hospital, a pile of shredded clothes were visible behind some bushes. He'd changed.

Once again the tears streamed down my face as the picture of Billy's dead body filled my mind. Was that what had upset him? I couldn't quite decide if I liked this angry stage more than the happy one, because it was probably good for him to get rid of the anger. On the other hand I hated when he wasn't happy. And he clearly wasn't anything close to that.

A pair of cold hands on my shoulders startled me and I jumped up in surprise. Then I realized that only vampire hands were so cold, and since I was standing outside the hospital, this could only mean one thing; Carlisle!

I spun around and embraced the person, while my tears soaked his hospital scrubs. "Carlisle" I croaked, and looked at him with a smile on my face.

"Hello" he said, always polite, and smiled back at me, "It's great to see you, my favorite grandchild. It's been far too long," he said and pulled away to look at me with another one of the worried expression people had been given me since I came home.

"Right back at ya'" I said and grinned. I tried my hardest to not focus on anything else than Carlisle's presence.

"What are you up to?" he asked.

"Nothing, right now" I answered with a sigh as I glanced at the shredded clothes.

He followed my eyes, and understood immediately what I meant. "My shift is over in half an hour and I thought you might like to say hi to the rest of the family." His compassionate voice was something, I would never forget; always calm and welcome.

"I would love that" I said and smiled at him, whilst wiping the last tears away from my messed up face. Some people say you get prettier when you've cried, some say you get uglier. I was most definitely in the latter group.

I sat quietly in a white plastic chair– observing – as Carlisle worked the last half hour. His endurance with blood was compelling: patients passed him with blood spluttering everywhere and weakness so great the tiniest bump could break their spine, but instead of taking advantage of that, he looked at them with concern and anxiety. All the nurses came to him for advice and he always had the extra time to help.

I could see why his job was so important to him, and how much every person loved him. All the nurses sighed when he passed them, and that annoyed me a bit, but Esme would have no reason to be jealous, because Carlisle never looked at any of them twice.

I tried my hardest not to think of Billy's body, because the thought paralyzed me momentarily everytime it passed through my mind. They would remove him soon, take him to a quiet place before they would put some nice clothes on him, and put him in his final bed.

The half hour passed by quickly and before I knew it, I was sitting in the familiar black Volvo on my way back to my first home: The Cullen's house.

Excitement filled me and I caught myself bouncing the tiniest bit as the car turned to drive up the well-known road where I'd driven so many times in my earlier life. The fir trees were bigger than I remembered and the summer light made everything a lot brighter: It was a beautiful change.

"The sun's out" I noticed and leaned out the window of the car, trying to suck up the vitamin D despite of the huge shadows covering the road and car. I could hear Carlisle's chuckle from inside of the car, and I closed my eyes in satisfaction.

I could literally smell it in the air when the house was close enough to see. I opened my eyes, and there it was; big, white and timeless.

Esme – my too young grandmother – stood in the entrance a long jade dress flowing around her body. When she saw me hanging half outside the window of the car she started running towards the car and I saw just by the look in her eyes, how much she'd missed me. Her eyes shone in a hazel color that revealed her resent hunting trip.

I jumped out of the car and closed the space between us ending it with a hug. A new pair of arms joined the hug and then a pair more; Alice and Rosalie. I was surrounded by my father's side of the family, and it felt, sounded, smelled even tasted like home.

When the hug ended I saw my two uncles standing in the doorway, their arms crossed over their chests and both smirking, but still managing to look as different as pear and apple.

Emmett was big and burly with short black curls covering the top of his head like a helmet. He shone danger, but when you knew him – like I did – you couldn't do nothing but smile, when you saw him.

Jasper though, was muscular but in a more subtle and lean way and his head was surrounded by a halo of honey colored hair. The southern gentleman many girls dreamed about.

"Hey" I said and smiled at them.

"Loch Ness!" Emmett bellowed and held his hand up for me to high five as I made my way to the door.

"Emma!" I roared back and slammed my hand in to his with as much force as I could produce, before I passed him. I heard him chuckle approvingly behind me, and again the homey feeling hit me hard.

Jasper didn't say anything and it offended me a bit, because I'd missed him. Maybe the feeling wasn't mutual.

Alice – my short elegant aunt with spikes of black hair surrounding her pointy face – saw how he ignored me and shot him a deadly glare. He looked outright physically hurt by her silent accusation, and as soon as he was focusing on something else I felt the sadness overpower every other emotion in my body.

That's what he'd been focusing on so hardly; my stupid feelings. And now that he wasn't it felt like I was shrinking into a puddle of sadness, because I wasn't with Jake, like I'd promised. He was sad, which I hated. He was alone, and that was wrong. Once again a wave of happiness and that strange homey feeling flowed through me, and I gratefully sunk down in one of the white sofas next to Rosalie.

"Thank you" I said out loud and looked in at Jasper who had settled himself in one of the white chairs.

Everyone looked at first me and then Jasper with confusion planted in their inhuman faces. Jasper took it on him to explain. "You're welcome," he started and nodded at me, probably a little imprest that I knew he was messing with my feelings.

"She's a mess" he explained and looked at Alice, hoping for forgiveness for his rather rude behavior.

Esme, Carlisle and Rosalie nodded in understanding and then looked at me with concern. Rose – my extremely close aunt who was the most gorgeous person in the world with long blonde hair and ivory skin - was sitting right next to me. She stroked my cheek gently and looked truly worried. Esme came to stand behind me and the couch and then started combing her fingers through my tangled hair.

Alice was pleased with Jasper's excuse and danced across the room to sit on his lap. He smiled like a child being given its' favorite teddy bear, which was what Alice was to him in a strange way.

And that was what I was to Jacob and what he was to me. We were soul mates and I shouldn't just be sitting here like some stupid girl with no clue what to do. I knew what I had to do. Didn't I? Stupid Alice distracting Jasper!

"Alice!" I complained and glared at her mouth placed firmly on Jasper's.

"What?" she asked and looked at me with her wide bird eyes, not removing her mouth from his.

"Could you control your pixieself for just a little while, when I'm around?" I asked and she responded with even wider bird eyes. "Emotional mess" I said in a monotone voice and pointed at myself.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot." she said and sat down on the floor in front of Jasper allowing no more space between them. I felt the happiness overflowing me again but it felt misplaced and I couldn't figure out why. I just sat still and thought my day through over and over again.

It could have been hours after when Rose's voice interrupted the silence. "Do you mind talking to me alone?" she asked.

More time passed before I realized she was talking to me.

"No" I said hastily and got up from the couch. She took my wrist and dragged me up the stairs and without hesitating steered towards her and Emmett's room.

Nobody had ever been inside their room except for Rose and Emmett, not even Esme had been able to give any decorating tips in there. I was more than shocked, when she opened the door.

The room was bigger than I'd expected, but then again it was Emmett who had to fit in here. The walls were a dark shade of brown except for the one across from the door, which was covered in white wallpaper with small lily's and tulips spread across it. The floor was an even darker shade of brown. Against one of the brown walls was a wardrobe with a light brown frame and huge doors with mirrors on. A gigantic bed with a tall wooden frame and a big probably handmade headboard was placed against the floral wall. The millions of pillows in different shades of brown placed perfectly made it look like something from a decorating catalog. One word for it would be romantic.

"Did you do all this?" I whispered as if my voice could ruin the gorgeous room.

She sighed, sat down on the bed and padded the space next to her, wanting me to sit down. I did and was surprised by how soft the madras was. "Promise you won't tell anybody," she looked at me, waiting for confirmation.

I nodded, and she continued. "All of this is Emmett's work." She said and smiled to herself.

I was too shocked to speak; I just stared at the room once again and felt my mouth pop open. Was this why I hadn't seen this room before? Why nobody had ever seen this room before? Because Emmett didn't feel like sharing his secret? Because Emmett was an interior designer?

"Wow" I finally managed to say.

"I know: My husband's an artist," she crooned and enjoyed the thought. But then she remembered why she'd brought me here. "Anyways… You have to talk to Jacob. I know, it's weird, hearing that from me," it was truly weird because Jacob and Rose loathed each other, "but that only makes it that much more obvious.

"You're what he needs right now, no matter if he's mad at you or not. I love you, Alice loves you, Esme loves you, Carlisle loves you, Emmett loves you, Jasper loves you, Leah loves you, Seth loves you, Charlie loves you, Sue loves you, Embry loves you, Billy loved you… I bet the whole world loves you!" My heart sunk when I thought of Ally and William, who quite possibly hated me.

"But not one person loves you as much as he does. As much as I dislike him, I know when I see love; and he loves you. It's even more important now, when he's struggling to keep positive because of everything that's happened… You have to talk to him" She sent me a serious look and I felt my stomach shrink into a little knot.

"I know, I do, but it's just that…" I trailed off, because I didn't have anything to say. "I'm just afraid" I admitted and felt my shoulder slump together with my mood.

"Of course you are. I would never have been able to handle a situation like this, but I know you will, because you're strong. You're a Cullen." she said in a soft voice and stroked her hand through my hair. Why everyone was so eager to stroke my hair, I didn't know: It must have been at least two days since I last showered.

I sighed. "You're right." I said firmly. Then I remembered a question that had been bothering me: How did he die? Rosalie was the best to ask this question. If she knew the answer of course. "It's hard to comfort when I don't know how he died," I said, and hoped she wouldn't see me as a terrible person for not knowing this.

She looked at me with such intensity, I couldn't find the muscles to blink or turn my head as she spoke: "I only know the version Carlisle told us, so if you want to know the details, you have to ask Emily or Rachel," Emily's name was a surprise to me, because how would she know more than any of the other from La Push? Rosalie answered my question before I asked it: "They were the ones who found him."

I knew it made sense that somebody had found Billy, but the thought had never crossed my mind until now. The shock it must've been for them. That was why she'd been the one to apologize, and that was why she –such a strong woman- started crying.

"They had been cooking some of Billy's and Charlie's fish from the fishing trip they'd been on that morning, and now they wanted to stop by at Billy's to give him some. When they came through the door the sight of Billy unconscious on the floor met them. They called Carlisle quickly and he was there in a second. He could see right away that it was serious and he, Sam and Paul got him to the hospital in a matter of ten minutes.

"Carlisle worked for eight hours straight with such desperation only Esme dared to go near him. We all waited in the waiting area. When Carlisle came out he just sighed once and the whole place sounded like a battle field: Some of the werewolves were shouting at Carlisle, a few shrieks of horror from especially Emily and Rachel mixed in with the shouting.

"Charlie didn't stay; he walked out of the hospital and nobody saw him or got in contact with him before we told him Bella was on her way. Quil, I think his name is, ran straight for the telephone and called Leah and Seth's apartment."

I removed my eyes from Rosalie's and wiped away a few tears. But how exactly did he die? He couldn't just have died of nothing. "What caused his death?" I asked with a hoarse voice and tried to sound like the information hadn't caused me pain.

"His diabetes. He stopped taking medicine for a reason still unknown, and then one day his body gave up and his heart slowed down. Then came the unconsciousness, and that's probably what made him fall out of his wheelchair," she said in a distant voice.

Of course it was his diabetes. It had taken his legs so why not his life? I was glad he hadn't been hit by a bus, or worse: Committed Suicide. That would've been a hard one to explain to Jake. A new question popped into my head: "Does Jacob know about how it happened?"

"I don't' know"

"You're right, I have to talk to him," I said firmly, now armed with information. Then I stood up and stretched, popping a few joints. "Really… Emmett placed all of these pillows?" I asked and gestured towards the headboard of the bed.

"He wouldn't have it any other way" she said as we walked out of the room. She locked the door behind her, and when the click sounded, I was off.

Off to find Jacob once again.

**First of all: SORRY, that I broke my computer with all the chapters, and because of that broke my promise of uploading every Friday!**

**Don't you all hate me for making Rose the one giving advice and not Alice? Remember that Rose is like a mother for Nessie, so she is of course the one giving this advice.**

**Did you like the Cullens, or was something wrong about them? Tell me! I really want to know!**

**Billy's death… finally we all found out how he died… I briefly considered suicide or an accident, but I think in the end it just had to be the diabetes.**

**The secret I told about last time? Emmett as interior decorator xD **

**What do you think will be the next "stage" of grief? **

**REVIEW as always because I love when you do it, and because if 10 of you do I will include Bella or any other character you want in the story :D (just write in the review which person you want)**

**Over and out**

**-The humble Author**

**Btw… THANK YOU for reaching 50 reviews :')**


	11. Chapter 11 Bargaining

**Chapter 11: Bargaining**

Before I got further than three meters out of the big white house, I was in the embrace of familiar arms. They were hard as stone, pale as the moon against the dark night sky and cold as Antarctica. They were also too thin to be a guy's, and as soon as my head caught up with what my body had already found out, I started crying of glee.

"Mom!" I managed to say between the sobs. It had been almost a quarter of a year since I'd seen her, I realized. In my desperate attempt of taking care of Jake, I'd almost forgotten my own mother. I wondered how much she knew about my Boarding School experience, because if my dad knew anything she did too.

"Renesmee," she said in an affectionate voice, that she always used when she spoke with me when I was younger.

"What are you doing here?" I asked even though it was obvious and I hugged her tighter.

"I _had_ to see you," she answered. Such a simple answer, yet it somehow explained everything.

"What about Charlie?" I asked in concern of my mortal granddad.

"It's so typical… you can't think about yourself for one second" she said and stroked my hair from root to tip. Again with the hair, if I wasn't in the middle of a reunion I'd joke about it.

I still hadn't gotten my answer and waited for her to answer, because I knew she would eventually. "Charlie will survive. He and Sue will be able to take care of each other, I refuse to be one of those people who live with their parents," she said and pulled away to look at me.

I couldn't help but smile a little. "Yeah, fortunately we don't know any of those people." I said with a sarcastic undertone.

Her eyes opened wide, as she realized what she'd said. We were standing right outside the house where both my aunts, uncles and grandparents lived. She didn't say anything and nor did I. We just looked at each other wondering how we could possibly have survived the last time without each other. I normally told her everything, and now I felt like she knew nothing about me. Like I'd lied to her even though I hadn't.

Eventually I couldn't keep my eyes open and started blinking rapidly. Tiredness overwhelmed me. Last time I slept was on the plane, when every cell in my body ached for Jacob. And here I was, nothing and everything had changed.

I still didn't know what was going with me and Jake. I still felt like something was wrong. Everybody was still hurt, because Billy was dead. I still had no clue what I should do. About everything!

"Have you talked to Jacob?" I asked because he was again the only thing in my easily distracted mind. I didn't really know if I wanted a yes or a no:

My mom's and Jacob relationship was… different. They'd known each other since they were toddlers. Before the unnatural world had any part in their lives, they didn't even know it existed. Then my mom met my dad and things started happening. Vampire loves human girl. That was quite a taboo in the vampire world before my parents met.

Then of course, I came along, and their relationship looked like a rainy day in Forks.

Jake turned into a werewolf and then he was in on the secret too. He was angry Bella hadn't told him, and angry with the fact that she liked "a bloodsucker." If he knew who he would imprint on, he would've killed himself.

My mother conveniently interrupted my thought of Jake committing suicide: "Yes… I tried his house but he wasn't there. Then when we were about to leave," - it was always we, when it was my mom and father: They didn't do anything alone - "we found him sitting in the garage whispering prayers." I felt a stabbing pain in my chest, by the thought of him bargaining with God. "I talked to him about everything that has happened, but he wouldn't say much." She sounded like she felt she had let herself down, because she couldn't crack him.

I took her icy hand, and showed her the picture of Billy in the hospital, because it still haunted my mind every few seconds.

She cringed by the sight and bit down hard on her lip. "I hope Charlie hasn't seen him," she whispered. "He thought about visiting when we left to see Jacob, but now I really hope he stays away."

"Billy's not there anymore," a voice behind me said, and I turned my head to see my dad standing there. I'd been so busy hugging my mother; I'd forgotten my dad would be here too. He continued: "Carlisle had the nurses remove him as soon as he left today."

I sighed. At least there was no way I would see him in that horrible hospital gown. Next and last time would be in a coffin at the church. But I shouldn't think about that. Not until I was staring right down at him.

"I'm so sorry mom, but I have to talk to him…" I nearly whispered and looked past her and into the trees where I would be heading soon. "I love him…" I whispered as quietly as the small wind and looked down in shame.

"I understand, sweetie…" she said and stepped aside to let me pass.

I turned around, gave my dad a quick hug. Then I turned around again and hugged my mum and give her a kiss on the cheek.

Once again I was off. But now I was more determined to make him happy. It was now or never. I wouldn't leave before I'd made him smile at least once!

I could hear a low murmur coming from another room as I entered the small red house for the second time today: A day that was turning in to one of the worst in my life. I looked into Jake's room but found it empty, I then tried Billy's room and found what I was looking for.

He was kneeling on the floor with his folded hands resting on the bed that had once been Billy's. The madras had a little erosion from where Billy used to sleep, and the pillow clearly hadn't been touched since… my thoughts trailed off.

I couldn't see if he knew I was there, but if he did, it didn't stop him. I could barely make out the separate words in what seemed like a prayer. Some of it was Quileute, which made it even harder to understand, but the things I did understand almost made me whimper of pain:

"I know he was old, but that's not how you pick, is it? I mean, it could just as well have been me, right? It's like the wheel of fortune, just without the fortune, or maybe it's a fortune to leave this planet." he mixed some Quileute in it, but it was easy to catch up when he switched back to English "I know I didn't tell him how much I love him all the time, but he knew… didn't he?" his voice broke in the end. "Because if he didn't, could you please tell him. I don't even know if you're there, if you exist, who, what and where you are, but better safe than sorry" I could literally hear him smile.

Then he began once again with the same agonizing vulnerability. "But if you pick randomly, and suddenly I'm up, could you give me some kind of hint? I would appreciate that, and please for the love of God, please, let me go before her. I know it's selfish and wrong, but Renesmee is the only thing that keeps me sane, if she disappears, I don't know what to do." My heart stopped beating for a second when he mentioned my name.

Was I really what he was thinking of when his dad had just passed away? I got a strange feeling in my heart, like getting a thousand volt sent through your body. But in a pleasant way.

I couldn't help it, I craved for his embrace, feeling his body all over mine, and then a memory of our first kiss forced its way forward in my easily distracted mind, our lips winding together, my hands in his hair, his hands on my cheek, collarbone, back, everywhere!

My love-filled limps lurched forward, and my arms threw themselves around his tortured kneeling body. I could feel the adrenalin passing through my body as he jumped up ready for an attack, causing my head to bump against the low ceiling. When he realized that it had been an attack of lust and not enmity he quickly swung me around his body, so I was now cradled against his chest, his arms supporting my body.

"I'm sorry" we both said at the exact same time.

Jacob then tilted his head and frowned. "How long have you been here?" he asked in an accusing voice. The vulnerability was gone.

"I'm not exactly sure" I lied and stared back in fake confusion.

"Since when did you start lying?" he asked and walked out of the room with me in his arms. "Living room, kitchen or bedroom?" he asked before I got a chance to answer the first question.

"Bedroom," I said quickly and felt myself blushing at the word. It felt like we were bride and groom about to celebrate our wedding night. I shivered at the thought, causing Jake to look at me worried. I just smiled, and answered his first question. "Since I started being around normal teenagers"

Using the word normal without including him still hurt him and a flash of pain crossed his face and then disappeared again.

Jacob went for his bedroom and threw me on his bed gently. He sat down on the foot of the bed and lay my feet in his lap, and looked at me with a tiny smile on his face.

"I guess that makes sense, in some way, but seriously, how much did you hear?" He asked and I saw how his features' set in a mask of gravity. The mask reminded shockingly of how his father's had looked when he'd told the legends to me about 6 years ago.

An evening I remembered so clearly it could just as well have been hammered into my mind: The sound of the fire crackling. The shadows from the threes looking like approaching enemies making the stories more intense. The smell of wet dog oozing from Jacob prickled my nose lightly but was still comforting. Billy's deep voice demanded attention even though it was soft and caring. Everything was otherworldly.

I could feel my throat get thick, but I forced it to go away and answered Jacob's question.

"I came in when you said something with God not choosing who dies by how old they are" I mumbled and childishly covered my face with his pillow. He made me so shy in a way where I still managed to be myself. It was an odd sensation, but in a great way.

It sounded like a sigh of release as he exhaled after apparently having held his breath for my answer.

"Why are you so relieved?" I asked and peeked from behind the pillow in an attempt to read his face. It was impossible; he just smiled and shook his head.

"I'm not relieved, I just can't believe you attacked me," he said. I knew he was lying and it bugged me, we didn't lie to each other. Not that I hadn't broken that unwritten rule a million times, but he still seemed to have accepted that.

"Liar" I stated, put the pillow aside and pulled myself up in a sitting position right next to him. I looked at him in concern, but he responded with a shrug. He then rose and went out in the kitchen where I heard the opening of a refrigerator door; our discussion was over, according to him that was.

I walked out in the combined kitchen and TV room and saw Jacob slumped in one of the kitchen chairs with a bottle of water on the table in front of him. I sat down in the chair next to him and for the first time today it was my time to look concerned.

"Why did you lie?" I asked in a quiet voice.

He sighed. "I didn't lie, I just avoided telling you the truth," I was about to say something, but he got started before I opened my mouth. "Besides you lie too. Why is that more right?"

"I don't know…" I said in a small voice. "Because I'm younger maybe. I mean we've always been best friends, no doubt, but you've always been the older and wiser. That's why all of this is so hard to accept," I stopped abruptly, and regretted ever mentioning it.

A long paused followed.

"I was serious, you know… about not wanting to go first." His voice was rough now, because he wasn't hiding his emotions. Emotions that were greater and more violent than anything he'd ever shown.

"I know…" was all I said as my eyes bored into the side of his head. "But we're both immortal, so I don't see, why you're bargaining with God about it," I said in a caring voice.

"It's easier that way. When I pray, it feels like I'm still doing something for him" his voice broke on the last word. "Try to imagine Edward died," I winced and my eyes found the table.

"Can you see my point? Wouldn't you do absolutely everything to make sure he was being taken care of where ever he was? I would." All of his questions hit home like punches from a talented boxer, and he wasn't even looking at me.

I felt my throat get thick with emotion again, but this time I didn't do anything to dismiss it. "Try imagine my face if my father died" That sentence alone did it; Jacob's entire frame buckled and fell to the floor with a sob of agony escaping his lips. I hurried to look if he was hurt, though I knew that wasn't why he was sobbing. I kneeled next to his head that was buried in his hands.

"I'm so sorry, Jake. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been so selfish, please don't cry. I don't know what to say. I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry." I kept repeating the useless words, because no matter what happened I would not be able to take those words back. What was I thinking? I felt my hands stroke his hair soothingly, but how was that suppose to help?

"Why didn't I die instead of him?" he yelled and punched the floor with his clenched fist. How was I supposed to answer that question? Because I love you? That would be a very romantic answer, but I doubted it would help at all.

**I wrote Bella into the story even though I've tried to keep her out of it(I'm afraid you won't like her ._.) but you said I had to, and you were right, so I hope you're happy! :D**

**2 stages to go… what will they be? O_o(I know already, but you don't! ^^ ) **

**REVIEW! **

**LET'S MAKE A DEAL****! If I get 100 reviews by the end of this story(I'll finish it after Billy's funeral), I will write a: "5 years after." chapter! But ONLY when I get ****100**** reviews!**

**-The Author ^_^**


	12. Chapter 12 Depression

**Chapter 12: Depression**

_**Jacob's point of view**_

"_Clocks ticked, but time did not pass. The sun rose and the sun set, but the shadows remained. When once there was sound, now there was silence. What once was whole, now was shattered."_ A soft female voice said in a sad tone.

I could hear a lot of scrambling as they searched for the remote. I knew they did it for me, but the chaos made me focus on the soon to be shut off TV-screen: A herd of people in black clothes on a hill staring at caskets being buried in the ground. A funeral.

And the screen went black.

A sigh of relief echoed in the quiet room now that they had shut off the TV.

"What was it?" I heard a voice ask, probably Embry.

"A movie…" – it was Sam's voice - "We are Marshalls"

The voices were hard to focus on, like trying to see through a dirty window. I didn't even care what they said, what anybody said and especially not what the stupid TV said. I was drained of energy; I just sat in my couch, my head resting in my hands.

People had been in and out all day trying to cheer me up. I didn't need to be cheered up; I needed somebody to hand me a gun so I could shoot myself. Death sounded so lovely and peaceful. But the lack of energy made it impossible for me to ask for the gun. That's what I'd been doing all day; sitting motionless, saving up energy to ask one question. I was afraid they might misinterpret my request. They might think I hadn't thought it through. That was false.

I had thought it through: When I died every emotion, including sadness and regret, would be fictional. And that sounded so good.

Now was the time. I focused all of my energy on opening my mouth, and succeeded. Except then my voice was gone and I closed it again.

"Did he say something?" I heard Embry ask as if I was some strange creature. He could just as well have said 'it' instead of 'he'. He was sitting right next to me, just staring.

"I don't know," Quil answered. They'd been here for what seemed like days, just trying to make me move. "Jake." Quil looked at me, I could feel it. I didn't react. "She has been at the Cullen's for 1 hour now. She suggested you could come, and you said no. I've been away from Claire for 3 hours, and I didn't say no to anything"

"Quil," Sam interrupted.

"Look. All I'm saying is that I can't stay here forever"

The silence was one of agreement.

"I never asked you to stay or even come… just go" I said and was surprised that I could form a sentence, but it wasn't a happy surprise. It just meant I'd taken a step closer to life and away from death.

They left even though I could hear them hesitating by the door. But all of them had better things to do than look after me.

They were right, there was nothing to look after here, because the only thing I was capable of doing was thinking of two faces, shifting in focus.

The first one was my father's. The way he'd looked in the hospital bed, the way that had made me feel like the worst son on the face of the planet.

And then the image Nessie had formed in my head last night: If Edward died how she would look. That haunting image of her tortured expression. That was what made me suicidal because I couldn't make it go away. It kept appearing and then it was replaced by the one of my dead father and then back to Nessie again…

and again…

and again…

I have no idea how much time passed before there was a small knock on the door. I managed to make some kind of sound, but that was it. I didn't move, didn't even try to guess who it was. I didn't care.

"Jake?" It was Renesmee's voice, and I moaned in frustration. She was the only person who could bring me back to life, but I didn't want to go back. "I'm so sorry it took so long, and that Sam, Quil and Embry just left." Why did she always apologize? I was the one making everything wrong. Not her. The door clicked behind her as she closed it.

"The good thing is I don't have to leave you anymore," she said and sat down beside me on the couch. I didn't look at her; I kept sitting in the same position: Elbows on my knees, forehead in hands.

I couldn't pretend to be completely dead when she was here. "Good," was all I could say. It even sounded slightly sarcastic because I was unable to put the real emotion in my voice.

"Jake," her voice was barely whisper. She brushed her soft hand through my hair and down my cheek. One by one she released my fingers from my forehead and pushed my head up so my head was facing towards forward. I kept my gaze elsewhere, as she placed her hands on each of my cheeks and turned my head towards her.

She gently pressed her lips against mine – causing my whole mind and strength to buckle of pleasure - and I could no longer fight the urge to look into her eyes. She was starring right back, her brown eyes curious, waiting for a reaction.

Then it hit me, like I'd feared it would. The image of her face tortured with pain. Her eyes soaked with tears and her lips trembling. Her whole body shaking of sadness and sobs escaping from her chest.

I closed my eyes quickly, and it helped a little, but the image was still printed on the back of my eyelids.

She once again tried to open my eyes by pressing her lips to mine, but this time I refused. "Please don't," I said and turned my head towards the floor. I pressed my hands against my eyes, like you did when you were tired, and then took my old position.

"I'm sorry, I just thought…" she trailed off, obviously embarrassed.

"Just thought what?" I asked after a long pause, still starring intensely at the floor, doing everything to make the image go away.

"It's just, when we kissed for the first time, it seemed like you liked it… but I guess I was wrong," there was a sad edge to her voice.

The statement was a surprise: Both because of the fact that we hadn't talked about it, because we both knew it could ruin everything. But I was surprised mostly because she thought I didn't like kissing her. How could she think that? From her point of view though, I did reject her both in the hospital and then now. How was she supposed to know, I was an emotional mess?

"I love kissing you" I said with a sigh and a tint of embarrassment.

"What is it then? You won't even look at me," she stated and started playing with her own fingers. I found that I could look at her fingers with no trouble.

"It's because, I can't look at you without seeing the image of you, if Edward died," The truth. It's always different from what you expected. I knew she was surprised, but not in a good way. Not at all.

"Is that why you haven't looked at me since I mentioned it?" she asked in a high surprise-voice after spending sometime absorbing the news. I could hear how I'd made her sad once again. Sigh.

"Pretty much…" I said and closed the subject for everyone's benefit.

The silence that followed was unbearable. The only sound was the sound of our breathings which were deep and resignedly. It was like someone had stolen the soundtrack to life. Movies were weird with the sound off… and so was life. I was witnessing it right now.

The sharp sound of a phone ringing interrupted the silence and I heard Nessie sigh as she found the phone in her pocket.

"Hi Mom." pause. "Yeah." small pause. "No… more depressed than angry." long pause. "I can try…" small pause. "I will do my best, bye." End of conversation.

"What did she want?" I asked with a tired voice, because I could easily guess it had something to do with me. And quite possibly it wasn't: Give Jake a gun he can shoot himself with. No, it was more something like: Try to cheer Jake up, talk about something else, bake him a cake, throw him a surprise party, and buy him a pony. Ugh! I knew that was exaggerating a bit, but who cared if I exaggerated in my mind? I didn't.

"Bella wanted to know how it was going," she answered in a light tone like that was the answer I wanted.

"And how _is_ it going?" I asked in a gruff voice and lowered my hands from my forehead to look at my hands, that I realized were sweating.

"Better than worst case scenario, worse than I'd hoped for…" the misery was horrible, and I wanted to look at her, but I knew I couldn't. I'd caused this situation. She did her best to make my life better, and then I just made everything worse. I was such an idiot!

I had no answer, but as the time dragged out into another silence, I spoke anyway: "Can't you just talk… about anything"

This was the reason why I loved her: She didn't question me, just started talking with enthusiasm that could melt any heart. "I've been thinking about writing a song for the funeral, because Edward will be playing the music anyway, and I really want to do something too."

The mentioning of the funeral hit me like a tornado, but I tried to focus on her voice, more than the actual words "I could say something, but I'm afraid it will seem fake or vague. I don't even know who else will be saying something, so it's hard to decide," she continued and pulled her legs up, swung her arms around them and laid her chin on her knees. I wasn't looking at her, but I still knew how she moved. That was how well I knew her. "Do you need any help on your speech?"

My speech. My non existing speech. The speech that I hadn't thought about before this second. Yeah, I could use some help on that. "I could use some help, yes… but shouldn't stuff like that be sort of spontaneous?" I knew that was a stupid question, because how would I ever be able to remember everything I wanted to say spontaneously? I didn't even know what I wanted to say.

"I don't know… I found this poem and I don't know… I just really think it fits." She found something in the pocket of her grey shirt, and unfolded it with a quick movement. Then she continued: "It's called Funeral Blues by W. H. Auden. I removed something, but it still sounds good." I could feel her eyes on me, waiting for me to give her some kind of motion to begin. I nodded.

"_Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone.  
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,  
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum  
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. _

_Let aero planes circle moaning overhead  
Scribbling in the sky the message 'He is Dead',  
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,  
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. _

_The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,  
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.  
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;  
For nothing now can ever come to any good." _

As she finished my eyes were intensely fixed on hers and a tear ran down my cheek. This was how I felt. Not quite how I felt, but exactly how I felt. Only Renesmee Carlie Cullen could find a poem that described my exact feelings. Amazing.

Unable to control myself, and thrilled with the fact that I could look at her again, I threw myself at her.

I'd honestly expected her to reject me, as some kind of payback for my unforgiveable behavior, but that didn't happen. My lips found hers as if by magnetism. My chest had bumped into her knees because I'd been so eager, but I ignored the small pain. She moved her legs and there was nothing between us now. Only air. Hot, humid tension filled air.

I could feel her hand moving up and down my arm, while the other was placed on my bare chest. My hands brushed the hair away from her eyes with a swift move, and then I pulled away carefully, so she wouldn't feel rejected.

"Thank you," she whispered and the most beautiful smile spread across her face.

I pressed my lips against her smile and her smile melted away but her eyes were still glowing. She closed her eyes and so did I because of the way she was stroking her fingers up and down my chest and abdominal.

We were both inexperienced in this area. I'd kissed Bella twice, but that was nothing compared to the feeling of Renesmee's lips against mine: Soft, almost as warm as mine and they had a luxurious silky texture.

I found myself leaning more and more over her, almost forcing her to lie down on the couch. And she did so, slowly and elegantly. Nonchalant, as they said in France. Or did they? I'd never been good at French. Why was I thinking of French words when Nessie's lips were connected to mine?

The hand supporting my weight was placed right next to her head. And the other was making its way from her hip all the way to the tip of her fingers, where I interlaced my fingers with hers. I pulled away and looked down on the wonder beneath me.

Her auburn hair was spread out from her hair like a halo, and her cheeks were flushed with emotions.

"Thank _you_" I said and closed my eyes as I felt the wave of depression decreasing in to a small insignificant piece in my mind. I was with her. My soul mate was right in front of me, and she may still have doubts about being a couple, but she kissed me back. She loved me. And I could think of no other thing that would make me happier.

**Review ;) Thanks ^^ Even if you write or talk to me at some other place, please review here too, because the more reviews the more people will read this :D So, review… Down below ;)**

**Depression ): That was such a hard chapter to write because I got all depressed, so if any of you got a little sad during this chapter… I'm sorry ._.**

**Hope you liked the quote at the start, because I really think it's amazing… and the same with the poem Renesmee read :')**

**Next chapter will not be named after a stage of grief, because it will take some time to get from depression to… *drum roll* acceptance ^^**

**So yeah, we're heading towards acceptance and the next chapter will be the funeral. Or at least part of it C:**

**Love to all of you … especially you ;)**

**-The Author**


	13. Chapter 13 The Funeral

**Chapter 13: The funeral**

Thirty-one black-clad people, firs surrounding every one, ground moist with last night's rain, sky gray like the ever changing sea, bouquets of blue, red and green lain with perfection around a dark wooden casket. Inside the casket a man was staring up at the clouds passing by with empty yet haunting eyes. He was no more than 63 and was dressed in his signature red shirt and blue jeans. His wheelchair and hat wasn't there though; they'd gotten a special place in his old house.

It was easier to handle this day, when I thought of it as a scene in a movie and not something that I was a part of. But I was. I was standing here with Jake's hand clutching mine, who was trying even harder than me to forget where we were. But as people passed us to say there final goodbyes, none of us could deny it.

"Is that Joseph?" I asked when it was Leah's turn to say goodbye. Next to her was a tall gangly young man. His black hair was about the same length as Williams, and I felt guilty for a moment, but then I noticed something strange about him. His eyes were a light grey, and combined with his dark skin and dark hair, it looked like he was blind.

"How do you know about Joseph?" Jake asked and looked at me with a crease between his thick eyebrows.

"I talked on the phone with Seth…" I said and remembered how I'd hung up on him. I really hoped he wouldn't discuss this now. Or ever.

"Right, and yes that's Joseph. Leah went home top pick him up, so he could be here with her." He said as he turned his head to look at the two of them at the casket. Leah's head was buried in Joseph's shoulder and he was stroking her hair soothingly, while whispering something in her ear.

Now they started walking away and a broken man took their place. Charlie. He's dressed up in his only suit. It was grey and slightly unfitting, but his cloth made no impression on me. It was the way he carried himself: The defeated slump after every step. The deep circles under his miserable eyes. The grey streaks in his hair that didn't glow in the light of the sun, like they usually did; they made him look ten years older than his real age.

As he took the last step to the casket, he coughed, and caused the few people that weren't looking at him, to look. All eyes on him, he kneeled in front of the casket and started sobbing. He wasn't trying to hide anything, like he'd been for so long, no he was really crying.

My mother was at his side doing her best to comfort him, but we all knew all too well, that this wasn't something you could eliminate. Never the less, Sue was at his other side, but she was only there to hand him a handkerchief. He accepted it but it was no use against the rush of tears.

The action at the coffin had distracted me from Jake, and when I looked at him, I saw his teary eyes threatening to spill. They were both fixed on Charlie like mine had been, and I knew that the scene was too much. I squeezed his hand as a signal that I was there for him. Without looking at me, he started walking. He was heading for the forest and away from the scene.

I didn't know why he was leaving, but I wouldn't deny him anything. Not on a day like this. He would do the same for me.

He stopped when we could no longer see the meadow where the ceremony was taking place, and were now a part of the big forest. He leaned up against one of the trunks and sighed deep and thoroughly. He ran one of his fingers through his hair and looked up at the treetops swaying in the soft wind that we couldn't feel in here.

"Can we just stay here… like for a while" he asked in a gruff voice and closed his eyes.

"Of course," my voice was low, and as the event we'd just walked away from hit me, I felt my cheeks get hotter and my eyes wetter.

The strange bond between us kicked in, and without looking he knew I was crying. He pulled me closer so I my back was leaning up against his body, then he laid both his arms around me. And we just stood like that.

It tickled when he exhaled in my hair, and I closed my eyes in brief moment to get myself together. This was nice – understatement – but he had to be a part of his father's funeral.

"We should get back," Jake said, right before I was about to say it.

So we left the forest and peace, and went back to the funeral and mayhem.

Charlie was no longer there, and Sue was gone too. My father was approaching us with a gloomy look on his pale face. It looked even paler against the black suit he was wearing, with a completely black shirt underneath too. It looked wrong on him, I noted as he started speaking:

"It's your turn," he was looking at both of us, and for the first time it hit me, that I was going to stand right next to Jacob when he saw Billy for the last time. I was what Sue and Bella was for Charlie. I was supposed to have a handkerchief hidden somewhere, to hand to him when he gave in to his emotions.

Why had nobody told me this?

Jacob nodded once and pulled a frozen-in-place me with him. "If you want to do this alone, just tell me so," I said in a shaking voice.

"Don't leave me." Was all he said and there was no point in arguing. I had several good points all ready in my head, but those would mean nothing. I had to be there.

We looked at the man in the casket at the same time, and stopped to catch our breaths at the same time. He looked too real in his red shirt and his eyes now closed. It looked like he'd fallen asleep and somebody had placed him in a casket. Just for fun. A very evil practical joke, but possible never the less.

But that wasn't the case, because he wasn't breathing.

"Hi dad," the voice next to me sounded like a fourteen year old boy's. "Here we are. Finally a couple, and then you die." A little laugh escaped and then he continued. "Actually if you really want to have some good stories to tell in heaven, your death brought us together. Without you, she'd probably still be running around in Canada." I was looking at Jacob now, and he was looking at his father. Smiling. "But thank you. Not just for bringing us together, but for spending so many evenings trying to teach me math, and for handling mom's death so well, and for all of the times at Sue's, and the evenings at the fire. Man, that was good times!" His voice broke on the word 'man', and tears streamed down his face, but he was still smiling. "And then when I became a wolf, you just kept calm and ignored my teenage tantrums. I remember this one time where you just asked me if I wanted a tuna sandwich and I just flipped out!" he was laughing again, "I've always wanted to apologize for that time," he continued when he was laughing no more. "But then you…" he sniffed, "you died."

And then he buckled to his knees with a thump crying his heart out.

I was no longer the only one looking at him, if I had ever been. Bella was at his other side taking his hand a talking to him. Sue was on her way with another handkerchief. Embry and Quil were patting his shoulder. Leah took the job as a sort of security guard, and ordered Colin, Brady, Josh, Monique and Claire away. Emily and Joseph went with them.

Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, Esme and Carlisle had already left and the werewolves with no job were standing on the other side of the casket.

I did nothing. I could do nothing, because the sound Jacob was making right now, stabbed right into my heart like he was trying to kill me on purpose: It was scream of pain, a cry for mercy and a sound that I would never forget.

A hand was placed gently but still with some strength on my back, and I turned my head to look. It was Seth. He looked at me, and I could see my own eyes reflected in his brown innocent eyes.

"Do something… please," he whispered. And I realized how hard it must be for him to see his alpha and role model break down like this. And he could do nothing.

I took at deep breath and turned to look at Jake, kneeling on the ground. Then I sat down beside him and started talking to him. I didn't say the same things my mom said, because even though she was his best friend, I knew what had to be said now, better than she did.

And I knew he was listening. "Jacob?" the sound of my voice, caused an even louder sob to escape his chest, and I took this as a yes. "I know you don't want to think. But try to listen to me. I know this pain, won't ever disappear. It will diminish, and in happy moments you might forget it, entirely, but it will never remove itself from your brain or heart. Even if you live forever." He made one of the extremely loud sobs again, that made me cringe. "I said listen to me!" I said a little louder. "Billy loved you! He died loving you! That's the best way he could die."

"But I miss him!" Jake yelled at the gray sky. It looked like it was in a riot with God.

"Of course you do," I said and I swung both my arms around his neck and pulled him close. His head was on my shoulder now. "It's normal." I whispered in his ear that was close to my mouth now.

"It's this hollow feeling that craves for some kind of thing to fill it up. And it's pulling in my whole body for something that can fill it, but nothing is good enough." He said as he cried into my shoulder. And then I sat with his head on my shoulder while Quil Atera sr. said a few words in his deep voice. It was Quilleute, but I think we all got the message. I sat with him as they buried the casket and planted flowers in the soil. I sat with him as they raised the stone with Billy's name and date and a few other words. Eventually they all left, after saying goodbye to Billy and then sending Jake a look of sympathy.

Then after sometime, we rose with no words and made our way to Billy's house, that was no longer Billy's but Jacob's. I wondered if it would ever be known as anything else than Billy's house. And I knew that the answer was no.

There were a few envelopes on the kitchen table, when we came inside, and I had no idea where they came from.

"What's that?" I asked and gestured towards the letters.

"Leah picked up the mail when she went to Alaska to get Joseph," he answered in a hoarse voice. Hoarse from all the crying.

I picked the letters up, and looked through it. My name was on one of the envelopes and a Canadian stamp too. William or Ally? Maybe the school wanted to know where I was. On another thought they probably hadn't figured out I'd left.

I opened it quickly, tearing it apart, because I was so eager. I knew Ally's handwriting and this wasn't it. I read it slowly, trying to remember how my life had looked at that time. So different, oh so very different.

_Hi Nessie_

_I'm sorry to sound impolite or rude, but what the hell? I tried to find you at lunch and you were just gone. I tried your room, but again it was empty. That's when I started to get paranoid. Who do you think you are to just run away without telling anybody? And what's with the wrong address and phone number? I spent like three hours trying to find the real address, and I'm not even sure this is the right one. If you're not Renesmee and wondering who I am, please stop reading: You're a freak!_

I smiled and continued:

_Ally thinks that you left because of her. I've told her that isn't true, but she always says I can't prove it, which is true, because I can't contact you. If you read this I hope you'll answer. Just give thumbs up, so we know you're okay. Thank you. _

_-Will_

I read it again, and tried really hard to not feel guilty or miss him. But I couldn't. I had to call him, because he was my friend. And I owed him so much for everything.

"Do you mind if I borrow your phone?" I asked Jacob, who'd taken his mourning place in the couch.

"Go ahead," he said as he stared at the floor.

I pressed the number, and on the second ring, William answered: "It's Will."

"Hi, it's me," I'd always hated when people answered that way, and now I did it myself. I was a strange person.

"Really? I had no idea" he answered sarcastically.

"It's Renesmee. I got your letter. I can't talk for too long, but there was an emergency and I had to leave immediately." My voice was a dead monotone, and I tried my best to keep it that way.

"But why didn't you call?" he sounded sad, and I bit down hard on my lip to not show any sign of emotion.

"I don't know… I've been too busy. I'm sorry, but I think it's best if we're not friends." I said and sighed.

"What? What's wrong?" I wanted to tell him everything, but he wouldn't understand. And as I'd just told him: It was better if we weren't friends.

"Nothing, but I can't talk anymore, please hang up" I pleaded.

"Why?" he demanded.

"Because it's your time to leave me," I explained, but truly hoped that he wouldn't do it.

He did.

"Who was it?" Jacob's voice asked from behind me and both his hands placed themselves on my hips. Why was he in such a good mood?

"William… from Canada," I said and couldn't help but smile at the change of his mood.

"Oh…" he said as he put his chin on my shoulder. "So you don't want to be friends with him?" he asked and stroked his fingertips up my left arm.

"It's better that way," I mumbled and felt the electric sparks flying as he touched my skin.

"If you think so, love" he said and brushed my hair away to place a butterfly kiss behind my ear.

I laughed a slightly nervous laugh: He'd never called me love. I wasn't sure he'd ever called any one that. "I'm really tired. Do you mind if I sleep on the couch?" I asked, untangled myself from his arms and walked over to the couch, mostly to get away from him. He couldn't possibly be this happy now; he must be suppressing his feelings again.

"Sure…" disappointment dominated his voice and he walked towards the door to his room. "Or you could sleep in my bed?" he suggested casually, even though he was crossing several lines by saying that.

"No, I'm good." I said, and he closed the door.

I lay on the couch trying to think about what had happened today, but all I got was the feeling of lust that had spread inside me when his fingers had been stroking my arm. _Think about Billy's funeral!_ My mind hissed, but it didn't help. He was right in the room next to me. And he was probably mourning, because he was alone now. But if he was mourning, shouldn't I be there? Hadn't I promised that?

After some time I had convinced myself this was the right thing to do, and I rose from the couch. I tiptoed across the floor and knocked on the door to his bedroom. I heard a cough as an answer, and I opened the door a bit to peek inside.

His chest was bare and he was only wearing the pants from a black pajama, as he lay there in the bed. I sneaked inside and leaned against the now closed door. He rose slowly and with firm steps crossed the room. He brushed a ringlet of hair away from my face, and when I blinked, his lips pressed against mine. They were gentle at first, but then more intense and passionate, as we started caressing each other's faces. His tongue traced the entrance of my mouth, and I accepted their request.

Even though we had never kissed like this, it was still easy and not at all tense. It felt natural when I pulled my fingers through his shaggy hair, and when his hands found the skin under my shirt and started rubbing patterns in my stomach. Even when I pulled my black T-shirt over my head, and threw it in a corner, it felt normal.

He pulled out the band holding my ponytail and my hair fell down my back like a wave. His lips were no longer on mine, but on my neck and shoulders, even a few were placed on my stomach. I leaned my head back and exhaled. He stopped the kissing to look at me, with a serious expression. "Are you sure you want this?" he asked and looked into my eyes.

"I'll kill myself if you stop," I answered and started kissing his collarbone and neck.

"Never," he almost growled and pressed his lips against mine with so much force my head banged into the door behind me. I didn't care, but he did. He pulled me away from the door and towards the bed where he fell down on his back and pulled me down on top of him.

That was the best night of my life.

**The End!**

**Thank you for reading this story, which really makes me believe that I have some sort of talent :D**

**I know there is no sex scene, but I'm just not comfortable with sharing stuff like that ^^**

_**Other projects:**_

**I think I might start writing a story with my own characters, plots and all that, which means I won't post it here or anywhere else on the internet. Sorry ):**

**And I've also been considering writing an If I Stay fanfiction where I'll write the story from Adam or Kim's point of view (; **

**If you want to read old stories, then I'm sorry to disappoint you but I haven't really finished any :/**

_**Review!**_

**-The humble author :3**


	14. Questions for you!

**Thanks for reading this: **

**If you want a final chapter from the future of Nessie's life, it would be really amazing if you answered these questions for me (; **

**Do you want to hear about their everyday life or like Christmas or another special event?**

**Which scene with Nessie and Jacob that I wrote, do you like the most? I mean when they're being best friends and joking and all that or when they're all serious and telling about their feelings? Or both... I could do both, just tell me what you prefer ^^ **

**Favorite chapter and why, so I know what you like (; ?**

**How many years later should the chapter take place?**

**Thank you for answering (:**

**The Author L: **

**Bytheway… I just got a tumblr, where I post thoughts and stuff… take a look (.com) **


	15. Epilogue

**Epilogue or something.**

The sun shone down with all its force through the treetops as we made our way through the forest. By "we", I mean me and Jacob. His arm was slung casually around my waist, pressing my side against his body. He kissed the top of my head and I shut my eyes. A sound of footsteps approaching and children's laughter filled the air and then a child ran towards us. Her hair was as black as the night and her skin pale as the moon, except her cheeks which were filled with lovely shades of pink. When she came closer I could see that her eyes were light grey. She was beautiful, and when she was close enough I bend down and lifted her up in my arms.

"Mom," she said and laid her fragile arms around my neck. A hug.

"Allison…" I said and stroked some of the hair away from her face. It was too precious to be hidden away.

Jake stood behind me and had both his arms wrapped around my waist. He laid his head on my shoulder and kissed me on the cheek, causing them to change color.

"Ew," Allison giggled and hid her face in my shoulder. Jake and I laughed too and he kissed her on the side of her head.

"I love you," someone murmured inside my head almost like God, and I felt myself blink rapidly as the scene disappeared in a black tunnel.

The next time I opened my eyes; two brown eyes were staring back. _It was only just a dream_. I sighed in disappointment. "What were you dreaming that could make you sigh when you wake up next to me?" He asked and sat up in bed, a smirk playing on his face.

"Nothing," I lied and turned around on my other side so I was facing the wall. I knew he wouldn't let this go so easily, but I wouldn't tell him anything. It was my own problem that I dreamt about having kids. We had never discussed the issue. We didn't even know if it was possible or what it would be: Half werewolf, a quarter human and a quarter vampire? Not possible.

"Oh really?"

I nodded.

"That's weird because you were whispering a name…Allison" he rolled it off his tongue like he could taste the word. In reality he was just having fun, teasing me like this, and I knew it.

"That's very likely, but I don't remember anything," I lied again and got out of bed quickly. I pulled a white tank top and a pair of sweats on, while I tried to avoid his gaze from the bed and headed for the kitchen.

"Great, then we can just ask Edward," he said behind me at the exact moment I saw my parents sitting in the kitchen. My father was smiling a knowing smile and I knew that he knew. This wasn't good. This was bad. Very bad.

"Sure, let's ask Edward," I said like I had nothing to hide and leaned against the counter of the kitchen. Inside a battle had begun between lying and telling the truth.

"What did your daughter dream about?" Jake asked and sat down across from my father. He grabbed a bagel, ripped off a piece and swallowed.

A hint to every living creature: Don't let your partner get too comfortable with your parents. Bad things will happen.

"I'm not sure I got it all, but something with her hugging a small girl who looked like a mixture between her and you." He didn't sound shocked about it, and my mom was just smiling blissfully. Didn't they get what a huge deal this was? How wrong it was to wish for something that would never work out? No, apparently not.

Jake looked surprised. Or maybe stunned, traumatized and shocked were better words for it. His eyes were starring unfocused ahead and he'd dropped the bagel in surprise. He didn't seem like he was capable of moving any time soon, but this didn't seem to worry my parents either.

"I don't want to have kids, Jake" I lied and sounded a bit irritated while I laid an assuring hand on his back. "It was just a dream." A sigh escaped my chest, because of how true that was. I scowled at my parents and walked into the bedroom where I shut the door behind me.

I knew a conversation was inevitable, but I didn't know what to say. It was a good thing my parents were here and we weren't alone.

I could hear them argue in the kitchen; my parents, not Jake – he was probably still paralyzed. Then I heard the car start outside, it faded away in the distance before it disappeared all together. Great, now I was alone with Jake. I had to convince him that this was not what I wanted, and damn it, it wasn't!

I sat down on the bed and wrapped a blanket around me, while I stared out the window.

"Honey?" He was whispering but I easily heard him. I didn't answer. I wouldn't answer until I knew how he felt about this. He sat down next to me and wrapped the blanket around him too. "What are you looking at?" he asked and followed my gaze out the window to the trees.

"Nothing," I said and moved my gaze to my hands in my lap. He picked one up and started playing with my fingers.

"Was it a really good dream?" He asked indifferent.

"You want the truth?" I asked back and looked at his face.

"Yes"

"It was an amazing feeling to hold that girl in my arms and to feel the love of motherhood," I heard him sigh. "But that was a dream, and feelings are deceiving in dreams." I was stating facts. I was horrible at lying. And I hated lying to him. I felt a tear in the corner of my eye.

"Hey," he whispered and looked at me as he wiped the tear away. "Can I be honest with you?" he asked, and I nodded. "I will admit that it shocked me a bit, when Edward enlightened your thoughts." I laughed at the understatement. "But it was honestly because I hadn't thought about it before."

Really? He hadn't thought about it for one tiny second in the 5 years we'd been together? Not when my parents gave us this house? Not when he kneeled and asked me to marry him on our trip to New York? Not when we decided that a wedding wasn't 'our thing'? Not once?

"Why?" I accused.

"Because I'm happy with life at it is!" he exclaimed and pressed his lips to mine but only for a second. "I can do _that_ whenever I want!" he said and rose from the bed to stand in front of me. He took both his hands in mine and pulled me up from the bed and into his arms. "I want to explore everything with you… even parenthood." He said and kissed my collarbone.

"Are you sure?"

"If that's what you want." He said and kept kissing my collarbone.

I thought about it for a moment. How easy it was to convince him, how badly I wanted a child, how wrong it would be if he only did it for me. "No," I said in a firm voice and pushed away from him.

I strode into the kitchen and started eating the bagel he'd eaten off when he got the news. "What did I do wrong?" he asked as he leaned against the door frame between the bedroom and kitchen.

"Think," I mumbled and took another bite of the bagel.

He sighed and closed his eyes. "Maybe you need to hunt," he said mostly to himself as if I was acting childish.

"What?" I yelled and glared at him. I was already at the front door.

"I'm just saying it's been a while since your last hunt," he tried to backpedal out of it.

"You know what?" I asked as I pulled on my shoes. "It's not what I want!" I slammed the door shut and marched towards our car. Why was he like this? I fired the engine and drove down the road. I'd expected him to follow me, but no such thing happened.

I didn't know where I was going before I found myself pulling into Leah and Joseph's driveway. I turned the car off and got out. At first I went for the door, but then I saw them inside playing with Julia and I turned around. Not to go home, but to sit outside. I jumped up in one of the trees with the best view of their kitchen window.

I knew it was far from normal and legal to stalk people like this, but I didn't feel guilty enough to stop. They were sitting there in the small house; Joseph's long lanky body and Leah's fit almost masculine body, yet they fit perfectly together with their baby in a chair eating a banana.

I think it was when Leah told me she was pregnant, that an alarm triggered in my head. At first I dismissed it, because I thought it was just a part of the huge baby-craze that ran through La Push, but as the dreams and constant touching off my own stomach didn't stop, I knew that it was an issue. A problem.

I'd never mentioned it to anybody, because I figured Jake would bring it up at some point. But he didn't, and now my mind had deceived me.

I saw Jake further down the driveway, looking around with a frown deep between his brows. He was following the tracks of the car and came to a halt as he ended at Leah and Joseph's front door. I knew he could smell that I hadn't gone inside, and that I was close. I bet he could feel it too. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of him coming closer and closer to me. The bond of imprinting was the greatest sensation in the world.

When I opened my eyes again, he was gone. I looked on the ground beneath trying to find him. Two hands snaked their way up my back, my neck and through my hair before they settled in front of my eyes covering them. They smelled of wet wood and I could see every line in the palms clearly.

"Guess who?" a voice whispered in my left ear, thoroughly blowing away my hair and misery.

"Hmm… a liar?" I asked and smiled.

"No, that's you… I'm the idiot who takes all his worries out on his fiancé by calling her moody" He whispered in my right ear and stroked a thumb up and down my forehead without moving his hands from my eyes.

"Then you must be Sir Jacob Black." I said with a voice that was soft from his apology. We were both horrible at apologizing and admitting that we're wrong, so this was a big thing.

"And you must be Lady Renesmee Carlie Cullen." He stated and slowly removed his hands like he'd placed them: through my hair, down my neck and finally ending on my back. This time he moved them all the way to my hips and pressed me against his stomach.

He placed his chin on my shoulder like in my dream. "What are we looking at?" He asked and looked towards the sky.

"We're not looking…" I said in an sly voice. "We're stalking."

I felt him shake a bit as he laughed and then he stopped to talk. "Why are we stalking some of our best friends eating lunch?"

"Because I want to have what they have…" I said with a sigh. He knew now, so it was fair for me to say this… right?

He answered my question by turning to kiss my neck, but I turned my head and found his mouth. Our lips moved together like crushing waves and then we both pulled away.

"Let's go home…" I said and dropped to a branch below. I did that once more and then hit solid ground. Jake was right behind me, and when he was close enough, I took his hand.

He drove and I sat next to him on the short trip home. We were still holding hands and I was talking about the wedding that we didn't want to have, but how we'd kind of made it impossible not to get married, when he suddenly whispered: "It's what I want." He said it so quickly like it was a life changing thing, but I didn't understand it.

"You want a wedding?" I asked in a strange high voice.

"No!" he said like I'd accused him of murder.

"Then what is it you want?" I asked with confusion and looked at him.

He didn't once look at me as he answered: "A child."

I was stunned. I just turned my head and stared out the front window while I processed what this meant. If he really meant it, that is. I wasn't even sure it was possible for us to get a child. We'd have to talk to Carlisle about that.

I hadn't realized he'd stopped the car. I hadn't realized he was staring at me intensely. I hadn't realized he'd said something. I hadn't realized I was crying. I hadn't realized anything until he removed his hand from mine.

"Renesmee?" He asked with worry. "Nessie? If you don't answer I'm calling Carlisle" His voice was soft and I wanted to smile.

I turned my head and looked at him. "What is it?" I asked and blinked a few tears away.

"You're crying, Sweetie," he said.

"Oh that… that's nothing," I answered and wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand.

"Don't lie," he said in a firm voice and leaned closer.

"Fine." I said and got out of the car and walked towards our house.

He caught up quickly and leaned against the door, so I couldn't get passed him.

"Don't 'fine' me." He said in a harsh tone. "I just said I wanted a child with you, and then you go all quiet and start crying?"

"I'm sorry, but I'm just afraid I might get my hopes up and then everything falls to shit because we might not be able to have kids!" I shouted back.

He looked at me with wonder. "Why wouldn't we be able to have kids? Are you afraid you're like a mule or something? Of course we can have kids." – He was smiling now – "I talked to Carlisle way back when you weren't even a year old. The only thing we have to worry about is _what_ it will be… but it definitely _will_ be…"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Who cared if it was a human that changed to a wolf when it sneezed and a vampire when it coughed? There would be a child.

"I love you!" I exclaimed and jumped up on him, wounding my legs and arms around him. "I really do, you know" I said and pressed my lips to his.

"Why wouldn't you?" he said and smiled behind the kiss.

My hands found his hair and pulled a little too hard at a strand as a punishment for being unromantic.

"We always ruin our moments…" he mumbled between the kisses he was placing on my neck. He said it like it was a bad thing, which it probably was for everyone else. I liked ruining our moments, because it reminded me that he was my best friend. I wasn't a suck up for romance like my mother, who adored all kinds of moments. No, I loved this kind of stupid ruined moments.

"Hell yeah…" I murmured and smiled.

"Now stop talking!" I demanded and kissed him hard on the mouth. He laughed, but quickly got caught up in the moment.

THE END!

**This took so long to finish and I'm so sorry! But you have no idea how hard it is to continue a story you already finished and put up on a shelf in your mind. **

**I hope it was alright and not too romantic, because I hate too much romance. **

**But REVIEW and erhmm…. I made this for you! And… I love you!**

**-Anna, SarcasticChocolate, The Author. **


End file.
